Lost and Found

 

I was lost and isolated once even though I was constantly surrounded by people my entire life, as we all are, but somehow I just never felt I belonged. I can’t even recall a time where I felt I belonged no matter where I was or what I was doing. I could for a while but the feeling always went away fairly quickly and I was left feeling lost again. I have had some very dear friends in my life, friends who have been my friends for years and years but they always seemed to just come and go. I never really knew if it was me that was leaving and coming back or if it was them who left and came back but they always came back. There have really only been a few that I have been close to that I’ve removed from my life completely, but who knows they may try to come back eventually, they always do.

I can remember as a young teenager this ability to know who to trust and who not to trust, I don’t remember anyone teaching me this, I just knew and I’ve been right more than I’ve been wrong. I’ve also always been able to tell if someone is lying to me. I feel like I have been a highly intuitive person but anytime I had tried to explain that to anyone I was brushed off, dismissed and even laughed at and told I was insane and living in a fantasy world. I discovered a few articles last summer that explained what Empaths were and wow did I ever figure out who I really was and all the things I had felt growing up were actually real and I wasn’t insane and I truly have a special gift, as we all do, it’s just a matter of finding it.

I remember always knowing if something was bothering someone near me and I can remember not knowing what to do to help them especially when they would just say they were fine. I have this amazing ability to look at someone’s eyes and see the emotional pain they hold and after just a few words I can damn near tell why they are in pain but I keep it to myself unless they ask. I look back and wish that I had been reassured of my gift earlier in life so that maybe I could have saved my brother, even though I know that things happen for a reason and while I may never know why he took his life, I did make a promise to him that I would do my very best to become a person that someone else could count on for help no matter how little help I really was. I had felt so alone and isolated my whole entire life even before my brother died and the moment he died I felt an immense amount of pain wondering if he felt even worse than I did and it increased the pain I felt in my heart knowing that he died feeling that way.

I thought that I was lost before he died, I was especially lost with him gone physically, but I was so aware of the fact that he was nearby always. He was always there for me before he died and he is still with me today almost 8 1/2  years later. I have many stories of his appearance that prove to me that we are all energy and we just occupy these bodies until it is time for us to move to another source. Although I have never actually seen him in ghost form I have seen him many, many times in other forms such as animals and music. (He actually came in ghost form since I have written this and I will share at another time). He comes to me in the weirdest times of my life and random times as well, just like he always did but mostly when he’s needed. I cherish every time he comes around, most people can see my eyes light up when I feel him near and I am always left feeling my best after he shows up. Just like I always did when he was around, he too had a light around him like I do.

I fell apart inside when he died, I don’t really know if it was his death that caused me to fall apart or maybe just the fact that I now had no identity suddenly. I was ALWAYS Guy’s little sister, not many people even knew my name, they just referred to me as Guy’s little sister. How am I supposed to be Bobbie when no one even knows who she is? They only know who Guy’s Little Sister is! It’s my damn email address of all things, thanks to him. How was I supposed to continue my life as Bobbie when I was never known as that person?

Something happened to me the night he died, I was the one that took over being the strong one in the family, holding us all together, my three boys didn’t even know what to do, they loved their uncle so much, my mom was lost, we hadn’t talked to my dad in years and years. I was the one that held us all together, I wrote his obituary, I contacted his friends and filled them in. I don’t have much recollection of anyone asking me if I was okay other than the typical small talk most people use for conversation even though they don’t really care to know, but ask to be nice.

I honestly do not remember anyone EVER taking me aside and making sure I was really okay. Everyone just assumed I was this strong person that held it all together for everyone’s sake. Hell, I bet I even thought I was okay, I’m sure I did. I’m sure I said keep it together Bobbie because someone has to be strong for everyone else. I say that because I worry about everyone before I worry about myself, always have and more than likely always will until I can manage to remind myself that my own care is more important than taking care of someone else, which comes now as it is getting better to care for myself.

I don’t really know if it was his death that traumatized me or the fact that I was 35 years old and suddenly had to figure out who I was since I had always been his little sister and honestly didn’t really even know myself. At All! He was always the one that spoke for me, he let everyone know who I was, “That’s MY sister” is what he would say to his friends. They all knew me well before they ever met me, all because he was very proud of me. Sometimes I wonder what it was he was so proud of because I didn’t even know me. What was there to be proud of? At the time of his death I was finishing up my second divorce, I couldn’t afford the house I was living in, I was bitter and honestly I was searching suicide help websites for myself because I was at a point where I didn’t want to live anymore, not having a clue that my brother was struggling just as bad as I was. Why in the hell would he be proud of me? I had accomplished the same things he had, a couple divorces, being had by devious people, a lot of alcohol and very little happiness. Why would anyone be proud of me? I will never know what it was he saw in me but I can assume it is probably what a lot of people see in me, those that I actually hang out with tell me all the time that I have a very bright light around me that people are drawn to and people want it to shine on them.

I have heard this more times in the last 3 weeks than I think I have ever heard before which leads me to believe that maybe I am actually getting better. I had someone tell me just this last weekend that I was different, they had a difficult time explaining it as they’ve only hung out with me a few times, maybe 4 times but they made sure they mentioned this time I was different from the other times we’d met, but they said something was different and it was just beautiful. Maybe this journey I have been on is finally helping me see what others have always seen. I am not positive what it is but I do know I am different, I am not the same person I was last year, or even 9 years ago or actually ever. They say in order to be found you must first get lost and I have felt lost for years!

Today I don’t really know where I am going, or where my path will lead but I know that I like where it is going, I like what I’ve been doing with myself and I will continue to do it. I’ve lost a lot of friends and I’ve found new ones and I have a very, very small amount that just wouldn’t leave, because they too actually saw the same thing my brother saw in me and even though I was lost they knew I would find myself, whatever the reason was for them staying, I will be forever grateful for those that never gave up on me, my heart is full because of them and I thank the stars every day for bringing them into my life, I hope they stay in my life for a very long time because we all need someone in our lives that refuse to give up on us. It’s taken some time for me to be alone and away from society to find myself, it took turning off my television, well breaking 2 tvs and no money to buy a new one which is actually okay! It took locking myself away for months at a time with only one or two people to talk to once in a while for me to take a good look at myself to find what I didn’t like and what I did like and focusing on one or the other in order to get better. It took opening my eyes to just myself and my impact on those around me to see what my part is in this world. It took being vulnerable to my therapist and myself to open up the beginning of my journey and being vulnerable to continue as it was almost unbearable at times. It took disappearing from social media other than snapchat and instagram, and making myself alot more private! It took a ton of accountability for me and only me and the balls to cut ties with anyone that can’t take accountability for themselves.

I can honestly say today, I know my worth, I know my beauty and I know what I am capable of and I know that I now have a name. Although Guy’s little sister was one of my favorite names, I know it is not my only name and those that have stuck by me through all this know just what my name is and where I belong in this world. No one did this journey with me but me, sure I shared some stuff along the way but it was my journey. Long gone are the moments where I blame someone else for the things going on around me, gone are the moments where I play the victim, also gone are the judgments I used to have for those I associated with. I can no longer judge anyone for their hatred of another no matter what they justify for their reasoning behind the hatred. I noticed the judgements left once I realized our perception of the outside world is the result of our own visions of ourselves and the things we actually don’t like about ourselves. Think about that next time you feel judgement coming to the surface.

This is just a part of my journey, one day I will have it all figured out but I hope I can help just one person see the world just a little bit differently. I am no professional, I am just someone who never wants anyone to feel hopeless. If you like what you read, please check out my other posts, like them, comment on them and feel free to share them with the world.

Rock on you beautiful souls! Nothing but love to you all!