Every Moment is a Test

Every Moment is a Test

I was playing around in my blog and realized I have 12 unfinished pieces of writings. Today I decided to finish one of them.

Recently I have been presented with things from my past that I want to get passed or in more accuracy I just want to go away and not have to deal with anymore. I suppose everyone has the past come up at some point in their lives, I am being presented with people who I have tried very hard to remove because of the battles they fight.

I have spent the last two years trying to change the way I think and heal what I think was an unhealthy relationship with myself. I say with myself because if we really think about it our outside world can and usually is a reflection of our inside world and if our outside relationships are not that great maybe it is time to look in that mirror and finally address our own issues.

My inside world for a very long time was anxiety ridden and full of fear because I spent so much time avoiding my relationship with myself I could barely function in any kind of relationship outside of myself. I went from job to job, relationship to relationship, friend to friend and so on, you get the picture right? I am sure most of you can relate.

Lately I keep having these little tests come up with me and I am really having a hard time deciphering them, so much I just want to hide from the world and just not deal with them at all. These tests that I am faced with are tests of my own strength and my own boundaries with other toxic individuals and the battles they are fighting with themselves.

We should all know that we are a reflection of the 5 people we are with the most, we should. I didn’t realize it until I started looking at myself and the things I just didn’t like about my thoughts and actions. Once I realized I didn’t like what was going on inside me I decided to look at just who I was around the most. Guess what I discovered about most of the individuals I was with the most? ALL PESSIMISTIC COMPLAINERS!!!!! Chronic complainers I believe is the actual word I read the other day on this subject.

Complaining is a toxic trait and will turn a very healthy mindset into an unhealthy mindset quite quickly without any realization of it happening. Luckily I have learned and grown so much that I welcome constructive criticism and I also will give it when asked, sometimes when not asked. I am working on not just throwing my learning out there as some just aren’t ready or just don’t want to.

The thing I have the hardest time with is voluntarily letting someone know that I can’t be around them anymore because they are toxic. I wondered why and then it dawned on me that we can’t really tell toxic individuals that they are toxic. I mean we can and some of us do but there’s always such a fine line with this and we just can’t tell if that person respects you enough to say thank you or fuck you when constructive criticism is given.

The things I write about and the things I post on Instagram are all meant to make us look at ourselves. I write about things that I know everyone relates to and I write about people I actually know including myself. Most of my thoughts and ideas come from things I have learned while out and about with the people I am with the most or people I just can’t be around anymore.

I never want to point fingers at anyone and make them think they are a pile of shit or bad individuals because I don’t think people really are bad or pieces of shit. I write about my own journey and the things I have learned about others while I am only focused on learning about myself with the hopes that someone will say “holy shit Bobbie I do that, I complain all the time, maybe that is why I “think” my life is so miserable.”

I only want to write so that others will take a look at just themselves. I never want to write and have you think things like “oh yeah so and so is so toxic they do need to take a look at themselves”. Yeah that is NOT what I mean by the things I write. I want you to say holy shit I do that and then research like mad how to not be like that. It’s very easy to blame others for our shortcomings but whose fault is it really?

I honest and truly believe the whole entire world can be such a beautiful place if we only focused on our own insides and not everyone else’s. I would really love nothing more than to just take those I know and write about all the things they do and say that make their lives “miserable” but I am not to that point yet and it really isn’t my job to point out others flaws even if that is what they do to the people around them. All I can do is keep looking in my own mirror and keep myself on the love and kindness train.

My job is not to treat people tit for tat, my job is to love and only love. I’m not a professional at all I am just a girl who is finally realizing that I control my world and it wasn’t as hard as I thought regardless of what “they” say. If you like what I write about please share it, follow, comment, you know all that good stuff that everyone loves! Rock On My Pretties!

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It’s All Up To You

It’s All Up To You

Just the other day I was honored to be a part of an art show in my little community. It was such a great experience! I started off painting for fun, because it gave me something to do, some kind of outlet type thing. It gives me something to focus on instead of the things I used to focus on, like what everyone else was doing. I swear that joke about suffering from FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) is something that I believe is true because I was suffering from it for as long as I can remember! I just needed to always know what everyone else was doing to see if it was something I wanted to do because I just had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up and I definitely did not want to miss anything that I possibly could have been a part of.

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When I began my journey in 2016 I spent the first year still suffering from FOMO and still trying to be involved in everything everyone else was doing and especially getting sucked in the black hell of Facebook. I bet it wasn’t until I actually had the balls to delete my Facebook account that I saw the full problems that I was dealing with inside myself. I shut myself off from the world, most importantly from Facebook. Of course I have an Instagram account, I have 4 actually, mine, my art, my blog and a side business I have and yes I do know that Facebook owns Instagram. I can describe the difference for me when it comes to FB and Instagram and I know everyone else can defend their own reasons for why the keep theirs or not keep theirs, but I am not here to debate or explain myself.

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What I am here for is to try to make you think about yourself. The things I write about, the things I post on my many Instagrams and the things I say when others actually get to see me, I just want you to think about how the things I say pertain to you as an individual. I want you to reflect on yourself and your actions and see if there is some area of improvement. I’ve noticed sometimes the things I say seem very offensive to some and the same thing said to others isn’t offensive at all. I have found that those who usually get offended are only offended because whatever it was that was said rang true for them and some take that as me putting them down and those who don’t get offended by what I said own their flaws and are unscathed because they put forth the work to become mindful and aware of themselves. Those individuals that own their flaws and work hard everyday to pay attention to themselves or do the work to change or what have you are so inspiring to me.

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Sometime in the last 2 years I vanished from everyone I know, I didn’t “vanish” literally, I just stopped making the effort to care so much about what everyone else was doing, I stopped contacting others first, I stopped responding, some I blocked and I finally started worrying only about myself. I took everything that “annoyed” me about other people and I started paying attention to myself and made notes of when I actually acted like those that “annoyed” me and I realized that those things annoyed me because I actually did them sometimes to others. I became mindful of myself instead of being aware of what everyone else was doing. I swear now when I am out in public or even in the presence of someone else I focus on my own behavior and emotions and my own thoughts and I like it. I have been able to change my entire outlook on so many things since I changed my focus on being more aware of myself than anything else around me.

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These days I find myself busy doing things for me and not documenting them because I am busy enjoying myself and realizing the only thing I am missing out on is my own happiness because I thought someone else had the key to it in their pocket. I actually have my own key! It’s scary to take a look in the mirror at yourself and all your flaws but once you do, there is NO looking back. I am flawed like a mother fucker and I have never been happier in my entire life as I am right now. In the last 5 days I have put myself in the spot light more so than I have ever been (I failed speech class in high school due to not being able to lift my face up from my notes and make eye contact with the class) and two days ago I stood in my little booth of art and watched hundreds of supporters stop and talk to me and tell me my art was beautiful when I had really only shared it in pictures on Instagram. I took that step outside of fear and did what I wanted to do and I thoroughly enjoyed it even though it was absolutely terrifying!! 

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I wish so many others had the strength to look at themselves and see that they are not perfect nor do they need to be and they don’t need to have a lot of material possessions or a lot of money and they especially do not need to boast about their accomplishments in order to be happy and be accepted. I wish so many could understand how freeing it is to be private and be the only one that knows what’s going on upstairs. Too many just walk around talking and talking and not really saying much. Too many give advice to others that they won’t even take themselves, unsolicited advice at that. Too many focused on what everyone else is doing instead of what they should be doing. It’s quite sad to me but I get it, I absolutely get it, because I too used to do it. I know we are all on our own journey and we all won’t come to these conclusions at the same time and because of this I cannot judge those who just think I am conceited, mean, or whatever negative thing I have been called in the last couple years. 

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I left that art show Wednesday night a different person, I left with even more awareness of what I want and don’t want in my life and even more so I left with the strength to actually do something about it. Our lives can really change in one year, they really can. But life will only change if we get rid of all that holds us back, regardless of how much they may mean to us or how long we have known them. Our journey is our own and unfortunately some of us will have to leave behind the people and things that are keeping us from growing into all that we wish to become, regardless of our history with them. Some of us are lucky enough to have friends and family that recognize growth and change and want to grow and change with us and some of us have friends and family that just don’t want to grow and will do anything in their power to discourage us from becoming all that we should be. We all have both in our lives but it is up to us to figure out just how bad we want to grow in order to let the things go that hold us back. 

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Again, as always, I am not a professional by all means except a professional listener and encourager, but I can see behind your mask so please don’t try to hide from me or I may have to walk away from you until you decide to take the mask off. I love you all and want nothing more than peace and love in this world as it is what will save us all. Let’s start by loving ourselves and  our own flaws, because we are worthy of our own love first and foremost. Rock my beauties! If you like what I write let me know, share it, comment on it. If you don’t, also let me know, share it any way but I am happy to keep doing my own thing with or without anyone else’s approval. Peace and Love! 

Til We Meet Again

Til We Meet Again

Best present ever
Christmas 2008

She had a face only a mother could love, not when she was a puppy of course because EVERYONE loved her as a puppy but it didn’t take long for her to fill out into an 85 pound brick wall, which is why there are not many pictures of her small.  I was constantly receiving comments about what a fat ball of ugly she was but she was absolutely beautiful to me. She wasn’t just any ole dog, she had a smooshy face, a personality that was unremarkable and she was also the last gift my brother had given me before he took his life.

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Early 2009

My brother showed up for Christmas the year his Jo Jo had her puppies 2008, with a male and a female left he told me this beautiful face was mine to keep if I wanted her. Of Course I wanted her! Look at that gorgeous face, how could anyone NOT want her! 

I had ZERO experience in the English Bulldog department and while she was small she was such a joy! Let me tell you English Bulldogs do not stay small for long. She was 80 pounds by the time she was 9 months old and she was not fat by all means! I followed my directions for caring for her and was extremely protective of her and those who were privileged in getting to watch her for me were carefully chosen. I took her every where with me and she loved it! She loved meeting new people and she loved when company would come over as she knew they were only there to see her. I say she was a joy and I do mean she was, even if she ripped the bottom of my couch apart, ate every houseplant I had  that she was able to reach and also showed me what a “bulldog” was bred to do by instinct the day she met my horse, all done before she was a year old.

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About 9 months old

She was a tank! A vicious killer and a blubbering slobbery ball of energy, in short bursts of course as Bulldogs are not strenuous exercisers! She could sprint faster than most dogs but only for less than ten seconds and if anyone happened to be in the way when she was running they more often than not had a knee taken out or had to jump out of her way. I watched her pull parts of a car off once to reach a rock chuck she had been hunting for days. She was the MOST bull headed dog I’ve ever seen and she did what she wanted when she wanted.

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Around 5 years

I won’t lie I am not much of a dog person, I’m more of a cat person.  But there was something about her that I absolutely adored! Her face, her snoring, her grunting like a pig when she was out digging in the dirt, the mud baths, the wading in the water, the way she loved her boys (my three children), the way she got embarrassed when people talked about her, the way she would pout when she didn’t get her way and most of all her smile! She was always so happy, no matter what was going on. 

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7 years old

Something I didn’t know about owning an English Bulldog was that their “adult” life is very short. Their life span is actually relatively short but the parts in between puppy and senior for these guys is apparently only a couple years out of their 8 year life expectancy. Yes I said 8 years, that is the life expectancy of an English Bulldog, of course it varies as some live longer, some not as long.

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Around 5 years

If I could have had my way my girl would have lived forever but unfortunately no one does in the physical form and sadly I had to make that dreadful decision in the wee morning hours of September 21, 2018 as her health went from being a senior dog who managed to get around fairly well to being a dog ready to go to the next life in a matter of hours. It was definitely something I wasn’t completely prepared for that’s for sure even though I had spent the last two years preparing myself for that day as I knew it would come. 

I don’t want to get into too many details with her health as she was actually a fairly healthy bulldog. I had read they are extremely expensive to own as they have a lot of health issues due to overbreeding. My Jessie was fairly healthy her whole life, no major catastrophes in her life, she did develop a couple lumps on her body in her early life but I had them removed and only one was biopsied as malignant years ago and they never grew back. She developed the cataracts a few years ago and that is common in all senior dogs and she was able to get around just as good as before she had them. She was stiff and sore on cold mornings as most seniors are, dogs or people! It happens to all of us at some point!

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Jessie Jo on her birthday! 11/1/2017 Her 9th Birthday

She spent the last year of her life being spoiled more than normal, she went from hardly any people food to sharing my dinner nightly, steak mostly. Regular trips to the vet were essential this last year and other than her having TMJ (Temporomandibular joint dysfunction) and Cataracts she was healthy! Earlier this year I added CBD oil to her diet to help her with her stiffness and TMJ and it actually worked so well she started running again and she was even able to bark at dogs walking by! This video was only taken in July 2018, about two months into the CBD oil regimen. I was certain I would get another birthday out of her, certain I would see her tenth birthday. 

I made it to her tenth birthday but she did not, as much as I wanted her to she was ready to go home. She was the absolute coolest dog and I miss her immensely and to imagine her with her mama Jo Jo, her brother Cecil and my brother Guy all together again I cannot help but smile knowing she is back with her family and I feel the love from my brother and all of his dogs with him and am very grateful she got to spend her physical life with me.  

I have so many pictures of her through the years that I cannot post them all in my blog like I normally do so I will make a little gallery of Bulldog pics for you to enjoy if you’ve stayed thus far. Grab a tissue though. 

Jessie Jo Fifer 11/1/2008-9/21/2018

Boating!
Exploring Spring 2017
Not Impressed
Jessie and her mama Jo Jo
February 2015 Jessie, Jo Jo and Freckles and my Step Dad Ronnie. (All gone now 😥)
I am sure I was eating
6/21/14 Jessie and Brenton
Sleepy puppers
April 2016
Young Jessie
Watching a big snake
Snuggles when I didn’t feel good
Car ride in 2017
Waiting for a treat camping
Jessie on the right, Jo Jo on the left, My oldest in the middle 2016
Car rides!
Such a bed hog! 2016
She always knew when I was down
Ready for bed. Early 2018
At the vet! She loved her vet! March 2018
Enjoying the sunshine May 2017
2017
9/21/2018-If the kindest souls were rewarded with the longest lives dogs would outlive us all.