As I sit here on this beautiful Sunday evening I have been reflecting on all the good I have going on in my life. My oldest child married his best friend last Friday, both of my other children are moving in with me (One is already here the other is coming within a week) and I haven’t had them close to me in ten years, I started a new job where I enjoy the work I do and my relationship has done nothing but get better and better each day. I can honestly say my life is pretty damn great.

I can’t even begin to explain all the good things that have happened to me this year, all things I have wanted for years and years some longer than others, some things I am still wanting but because I have gotten so many things I have asked the Universe for I have no doubts the rest will come.

I’ve been sitting here dissecting how I could have finally gotten all the things I’ve been working so hard for and all I can really think of is my thoughts are to blame. Somewhere a couple years ago I make a point to myself to purposely be aware of the thoughts I had, because once I became aware of my thoughts it was so much easier to control what came out of my mouth as far as being kinder and not so mean. I use the word mean because I can be pretty damn mean when I need to be but I try very diligently to be kind, always.

Thinking bad thoughts of others has gotten me nowhere anytime I ever had them. Being jealous and concerned what others are doing and achieving have gotten me no where in life and honestly has gotten no one anywhere in life. It really just does not pay in any way shape or form to be unkind to anyone regardless of the situation. I’m not saying I still don’t have those thoughts. Of course I still have jealousy issues and mistrust issues, in fact I’m sure I still have a lot of the issues I had before that caused me to go on this journey I am on.

I suppose I just handle my issues differently now, I am aware of them a lot more than I used to be because I’ve spent some time alone with my thoughts learning them and learning myself I guess is a good explanation. I’ve realized it really hasn’t paid off for me to be mean. It hasn’t paid to put others down, it hasn’t paid to complain about others in the world, it hasn’t paid to be the downer I used to be. Being negative will NEVER make for a POSITIVE life.

It took me so long to realize that, but to me there just is no limit on learning. It doesn’t matter how old I get I will always be able to learn because I want to. There is no age where it’s deemed too late to learn, or too late to change. There just isn’t. It’s all a matter of being open to change and being aware of our thoughts before things just come blurting out of our mouths.

My lesson on this Sunday is to just be kind. We all have shit, and we are all going through some kind of shit. None is worse than others. Life is not a competition, we all have our own shit that we are trying to deal with. Every single one of us have our own fears, our own insecurities and our own “things” that we are trying so hard to survive. It literally does not pay to be unkind in any way to any one. It does no good to put anyone down in any way shape or form no matter how much we dislike them. It all comes back to us. We must be the change we want to see in the world. If we think the world is unkind then be that one person that is kind to everyone.

Karma actually works both ways but sometimes we forget because the world is so negative.

It’s all about time.

I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing, I’m not in a slump I have so many thoughts to put down on paper but I don’t want to because all the waking up this journey has done to me has made me lose all that I was before. I suppose that’s not a bad thing, it was actually a really good thing. I write on here about my journey in hopes of helping someone in their journey because sometimes another perspective helps.

I’ve discovered there is a fine line with giving another perspective and just giving an opinion on what someone else should do. I’ve taken a big step back from what I used to do socially to check myself because I had noticed that I was growing and changing so fast and things were happening to me that let me know everything is falling into place just as I wanted and it was a little scary, I’m not going to lie. It was scary because I started seeing things differently, things that I have been around regularly for months, even years, different in a very uncomfortable way. What I’ve noticed is that I started following my own advice and all the things I post on Instagram about thinking for yourself and doing your own work and stuff like that. I noticed with the friend I always hung out with that I was having a hard time hanging out with her, we used to sit around and talk about all the things we wanted to do to improve our lives and do them together, but for some reason all we did was talk. I don’t like talking! I used to talk all the time and that was all I did, I never had any action with my words. I made a pact with myself months ago that if I spoke of wanting to do something for myself or others then I would do it or I wouldn’t talk about it. I used to be so bothered by others who talked big but never had any follow through, and I was bothered so much because I fit right in with them and I disliked myself for it! I was not going to be a hypocrite anymore! If I say I am going to do something then I do it or I don’t say anything about it, I just cannot be what I don’t like in other people.

I’m so mindful of myself it’s almost embarrassing, it’s made me have a very hard time hanging out with anyone, or just being around anyone in general, I’ve got so much psychology knowledge in my head I can’t even get mad at anyone anymore because I see all the things they do to avoid taking action in their own life and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it for them because I can’t fix them. I literally can only look at myself, that is really hard for others to understand. But for me it’s made all the difference in the world. I cannot even stress the importance of paying attention to yourself!!! I can’t teach it, I can’t explain it, I can’t describe how to do it, all I can do is tell my story of how my life started changing the moment I became mindful of myself. That’s it, that’s all I can do and hope that someone connects with it and researches their own way to become more mindful. I don’t think my way is right, I don’t think my way is the only way, all I know is at one point in my life everyone around me telling me how to be and how to act and do this do that and this and that was not for me!

Someone I love a lot and have always respected and admired sat me down once a few years ago when I was in a bad way and told me I was toxic. They couldn’t really explain to me what it was that made me toxic but what was going on between us was not healthy. I wish I could say that was all it took for me to get better but it wasn’t. I fought and fought and fought to disagree and prove that I wasn’t toxic so much so that I drove everyone around me away. All of them, some on purpose, some unintentional. Guess what I had left? Myself and my cat and my dog. That’s it. I went through a couple jobs a few friends and then all I had was me. So what did I do when the only person I had left to lean on was myself? I started studying. What did I study? I studied myself! I absolutely learned and leaned on myself.

I learned my personality is one of the rarest in the world, I’m happiest when in very small groups, (less than two people) Music is very healing to me. I’d rather go to concerts alone or with someone who also likes to go to concerts alone. My cats are the most amazing animals in the world, I want to open a cat sanctuary. I’m more insightful than most people realize to the point it’s a little bit scary so I keep my insights to myself most of the time. I am a very private person and although I do share my life with all of you in my writings and my Instagram, each of you have a different version of me. I want to save the world but I want to do it from the comfort of my bed because I absorb the energies of those I come across during the day. I learned the reason I can’t stay at a job for longer than a few years is because more often that not supervisors and employers lose integrity and are not authentic in their values and values are quite important to me. I learned I have a very hard time being around conflict and negativity because it actually disrupts my energy, my thoughts and it’s very overwhelming emotionally. I’ve also learned that I am perceived as a dick because I refuse to sugarcoat anything and I speak in terms of reality.

I could write for days about all the things I have learned about myself but I won’t bore anyone with all that anymore. My point is when are you going to take the time to learn about yourself? If you do know about yourself when are you going to start listening to yourself and taking care of you? Like I write in almost every post I write, no one is going to save you. No one. It’s your job to do your own work, find your own self and do what you need to do to be the best version of you possible. There are SO many resources out there to help you, I cannot stress this enough. No time? Are you sure? There are 24 hours in a day, I work for 8, commute for 1, I sleep for about 6, that leaves me 9 hours, 9 hours for me to work on me. Take out work, commute and sleep and tell me how many hours a day do you have that are available for you? How many hours a day do you waste doing frivolous things? (this is why I am perceived as a dick, tell me you can’t and I will point out all the ways that you can)

I hope with my story I can help one person change their life. I hope I can reach that one person that is tired of their own bullshit and can use my story as inspiration to change their own life and do all the personal work needed to change their world. It’s hard, I won’t lie but oh my gosh I am sorry that I took so long to open my eyes.

Rock on my pretties! Love yourself so much that you will do anything in your power to be the best version of you that you can, regardless of what anyone tells you.

Just Go For It

Just Go For It

Life has gotten so insanely different for me than it used to be! I think it has had so many drastic changes in it that I don’t even know if I could ever really be the person that I was 5 years ago let alone 2 years ago!

When I started doing all this work on myself it was for one purpose only. To get my relationship back. Definitely had tunnel vision going with that purpose as I usually do when I am passionate about something. I think it is an INFJ thing but could be just an OCD thing, I don’t entirely know but I do know the last 2 1/2 years of my life has been an absolute whirlwind of breakthroughs and really great things.

I can write for days and add 15 different stories into this one blog, so I will try really hard to stay on the subject at hand and keep my storytelling to a bare minimum. No promises though. Ha ha ha! INFJ’s have no short version of anything.

My point for writing today is to tell you all to just go for it. All those things that you dream of doing or being? Just do them! I know it sounds so simple and easy! Trust me I know it is not that simple and it’s definitely not easy. At least it wasn’t for me. But I think, for myself, the tunnel vision I had for fixing my relationship kept me going and focused on continuing to do the work needed, because I was willing to do WHATEVER work was needed to get my relationship back.

I was/am one of those that have huge dreams and plans and I want to do them ALL at once and miraculously change my life in just one day. Fortunately for me, had I not gone on this adventure I would have never learned that our lives just cannot change immediately and I have learned from my own experience, I just CANNOT change my life all in one day. I fail every time! I think it took this little journey I am on to finally make me realize that I couldn’t just change my life the exact moment I decided to. It’s actually taken 28 months and counting.

I say “and counting” because I’ve come to realize that our lives are ALWAYS changing. They really are, some of us want to stay the same and some of us want different lives for ourselves. But when we sit and think about it nothing ever stays the same. Nothing. So we can either choose to embrace the changes or we can choose to stay stuck in our little mental ruts that we get into because our lives aren’t going exactly the way we want them to.

I found this little quote a while ago and it really resonates with where I am currently in my life. “If you are always looking for yellow cars you will always see yellow cars.” I placed it below because it really is a great quote.

What do you focus on?

The horrible things the news shows us all day long? The negativity that is on social media all day long? The Toxic Tammy that you work with? The spouse that doesn’t listen to you? Do you focus on your spouse/partner leaving you? Spend some time thinking about this. Sit for an hour or longer and actually listen to the things going through your head, write them down. I challenge you to put them on paper and actually read them, look at them, be honest about it to yourself.

Life really isn’t as hard as we make it out to be. It really isn’t. Thoughts are an extremely powerful force and I promise you if you continuously think bad thoughts, the outcome will be just as you thought it would be. Now with that said….. the opposite is also true!! If we consistently think good thoughts and good outcomes we will actually get them. We really will. It may not happen immediately (this is the kicker) but it WILL happen, I want to promise you this outcome but even if I promise you good will happen to you, if you truly do not believe it will happen, it won’t and then you’ll call me a liar. If you continue to find faults in every single thing that is presented to you, in the rut is where you’ll stay stuck. I do promise that.

So what is keeping you from achieving your dreams? Money? Or your lack of effort to put in the work to get the money? The time you say you don’t have because you spend 5 hours a day on social media telling everyone how to live their lives? I’ve learned there is no magic button in life. There is no one that is going to save you and make your life better, you must do the work yourself. I can promise you the work is very hard and very, very worth it!!

I am no professional, nor am I any kind of expert. I just know my own story and what does and doesn’t work for me personally. If I can help someone else achieve their dreams then I’ve done what I came here to do. Rock on my pretties!

P.S. I got that relationship back and it’s even better. Why? We are doing the work. Both of us.