Karma

Karma

As I sit here on this beautiful Sunday evening I have been reflecting on all the good I have going on in my life. My oldest child married his best friend last Friday, both of my other children are moving in with me (One is already here the other is coming within a week) and I haven’t had them close to me in ten years, I started a new job where I enjoy the work I do and my relationship has done nothing but get better and better each day. I can honestly say my life is pretty damn great.

I can’t even begin to explain all the good things that have happened to me this year, all things I have wanted for years and years some longer than others, some things I am still wanting but because I have gotten so many things I have asked the Universe for I have no doubts the rest will come.

I’ve been sitting here dissecting how I could have finally gotten all the things I’ve been working so hard for and all I can really think of is my thoughts are to blame. Somewhere a couple years ago I make a point to myself to purposely be aware of the thoughts I had, because once I became aware of my thoughts it was so much easier to control what came out of my mouth as far as being kinder and not so mean. I use the word mean because I can be pretty damn mean when I need to be but I try very diligently to be kind, always.

Thinking bad thoughts of others has gotten me nowhere anytime I ever had them. Being jealous and concerned what others are doing and achieving have gotten me no where in life and honestly has gotten no one anywhere in life. It really just does not pay in any way shape or form to be unkind to anyone regardless of the situation. I’m not saying I still don’t have those thoughts. Of course I still have jealousy issues and mistrust issues, in fact I’m sure I still have a lot of the issues I had before that caused me to go on this journey I am on.

I suppose I just handle my issues differently now, I am aware of them a lot more than I used to be because I’ve spent some time alone with my thoughts learning them and learning myself I guess is a good explanation. I’ve realized it really hasn’t paid off for me to be mean. It hasn’t paid to put others down, it hasn’t paid to complain about others in the world, it hasn’t paid to be the downer I used to be. Being negative will NEVER make for a POSITIVE life.

It took me so long to realize that, but to me there just is no limit on learning. It doesn’t matter how old I get I will always be able to learn because I want to. There is no age where it’s deemed too late to learn, or too late to change. There just isn’t. It’s all a matter of being open to change and being aware of our thoughts before things just come blurting out of our mouths.

My lesson on this Sunday is to just be kind. We all have shit, and we are all going through some kind of shit. None is worse than others. Life is not a competition, we all have our own shit that we are trying to deal with. Every single one of us have our own fears, our own insecurities and our own “things” that we are trying so hard to survive. It literally does not pay to be unkind in any way to any one. It does no good to put anyone down in any way shape or form no matter how much we dislike them. It all comes back to us. We must be the change we want to see in the world. If we think the world is unkind then be that one person that is kind to everyone.

Karma actually works both ways but sometimes we forget because the world is so negative.

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It’s All Up To You

It’s All Up To You

Just the other day I was honored to be a part of an art show in my little community. It was such a great experience! I started off painting for fun, because it gave me something to do, some kind of outlet type thing. It gives me something to focus on instead of the things I used to focus on, like what everyone else was doing. I swear that joke about suffering from FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) is something that I believe is true because I was suffering from it for as long as I can remember! I just needed to always know what everyone else was doing to see if it was something I wanted to do because I just had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up and I definitely did not want to miss anything that I possibly could have been a part of.

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When I began my journey in 2016 I spent the first year still suffering from FOMO and still trying to be involved in everything everyone else was doing and especially getting sucked in the black hell of Facebook. I bet it wasn’t until I actually had the balls to delete my Facebook account that I saw the full problems that I was dealing with inside myself. I shut myself off from the world, most importantly from Facebook. Of course I have an Instagram account, I have 4 actually, mine, my art, my blog and a side business I have and yes I do know that Facebook owns Instagram. I can describe the difference for me when it comes to FB and Instagram and I know everyone else can defend their own reasons for why the keep theirs or not keep theirs, but I am not here to debate or explain myself.

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What I am here for is to try to make you think about yourself. The things I write about, the things I post on my many Instagrams and the things I say when others actually get to see me, I just want you to think about how the things I say pertain to you as an individual. I want you to reflect on yourself and your actions and see if there is some area of improvement. I’ve noticed sometimes the things I say seem very offensive to some and the same thing said to others isn’t offensive at all. I have found that those who usually get offended are only offended because whatever it was that was said rang true for them and some take that as me putting them down and those who don’t get offended by what I said own their flaws and are unscathed because they put forth the work to become mindful and aware of themselves. Those individuals that own their flaws and work hard everyday to pay attention to themselves or do the work to change or what have you are so inspiring to me.

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Sometime in the last 2 years I vanished from everyone I know, I didn’t “vanish” literally, I just stopped making the effort to care so much about what everyone else was doing, I stopped contacting others first, I stopped responding, some I blocked and I finally started worrying only about myself. I took everything that “annoyed” me about other people and I started paying attention to myself and made notes of when I actually acted like those that “annoyed” me and I realized that those things annoyed me because I actually did them sometimes to others. I became mindful of myself instead of being aware of what everyone else was doing. I swear now when I am out in public or even in the presence of someone else I focus on my own behavior and emotions and my own thoughts and I like it. I have been able to change my entire outlook on so many things since I changed my focus on being more aware of myself than anything else around me.

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These days I find myself busy doing things for me and not documenting them because I am busy enjoying myself and realizing the only thing I am missing out on is my own happiness because I thought someone else had the key to it in their pocket. I actually have my own key! It’s scary to take a look in the mirror at yourself and all your flaws but once you do, there is NO looking back. I am flawed like a mother fucker and I have never been happier in my entire life as I am right now. In the last 5 days I have put myself in the spot light more so than I have ever been (I failed speech class in high school due to not being able to lift my face up from my notes and make eye contact with the class) and two days ago I stood in my little booth of art and watched hundreds of supporters stop and talk to me and tell me my art was beautiful when I had really only shared it in pictures on Instagram. I took that step outside of fear and did what I wanted to do and I thoroughly enjoyed it even though it was absolutely terrifying!! 

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I wish so many others had the strength to look at themselves and see that they are not perfect nor do they need to be and they don’t need to have a lot of material possessions or a lot of money and they especially do not need to boast about their accomplishments in order to be happy and be accepted. I wish so many could understand how freeing it is to be private and be the only one that knows what’s going on upstairs. Too many just walk around talking and talking and not really saying much. Too many give advice to others that they won’t even take themselves, unsolicited advice at that. Too many focused on what everyone else is doing instead of what they should be doing. It’s quite sad to me but I get it, I absolutely get it, because I too used to do it. I know we are all on our own journey and we all won’t come to these conclusions at the same time and because of this I cannot judge those who just think I am conceited, mean, or whatever negative thing I have been called in the last couple years. 

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I left that art show Wednesday night a different person, I left with even more awareness of what I want and don’t want in my life and even more so I left with the strength to actually do something about it. Our lives can really change in one year, they really can. But life will only change if we get rid of all that holds us back, regardless of how much they may mean to us or how long we have known them. Our journey is our own and unfortunately some of us will have to leave behind the people and things that are keeping us from growing into all that we wish to become, regardless of our history with them. Some of us are lucky enough to have friends and family that recognize growth and change and want to grow and change with us and some of us have friends and family that just don’t want to grow and will do anything in their power to discourage us from becoming all that we should be. We all have both in our lives but it is up to us to figure out just how bad we want to grow in order to let the things go that hold us back. 

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Again, as always, I am not a professional by all means except a professional listener and encourager, but I can see behind your mask so please don’t try to hide from me or I may have to walk away from you until you decide to take the mask off. I love you all and want nothing more than peace and love in this world as it is what will save us all. Let’s start by loving ourselves and  our own flaws, because we are worthy of our own love first and foremost. Rock my beauties! If you like what I write let me know, share it, comment on it. If you don’t, also let me know, share it any way but I am happy to keep doing my own thing with or without anyone else’s approval. Peace and Love! 

Can you hear that?

Can you hear that?

There’s a voice inside all of our heads that only we can clearly hear.

 

It tells us things like do this, do that, don’t do this, don’t do that. Go here, go there.

 

This voice can get very loud the more we listen to it.

 

Did you also know that voice inside our head is actually us?

 

Would you let others speak to you in the ways that you speak to yourself?

 

Why do you let yourself then?

 

We feed our own fears.

 

We scare ourselves.

 

We try to drown our fears and that voice with alcohol and pills.

 

When all we really need to do is remember that voice inside our head is our own.