It’s all about time.

I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing, I’m not in a slump I have so many thoughts to put down on paper but I don’t want to because all the waking up this journey has done to me has made me lose all that I was before. I suppose that’s not a bad thing, it was actually a really good thing. I write on here about my journey in hopes of helping someone in their journey because sometimes another perspective helps.

I’ve discovered there is a fine line with giving another perspective and just giving an opinion on what someone else should do. I’ve taken a big step back from what I used to do socially to check myself because I had noticed that I was growing and changing so fast and things were happening to me that let me know everything is falling into place just as I wanted and it was a little scary, I’m not going to lie. It was scary because I started seeing things differently, things that I have been around regularly for months, even years, different in a very uncomfortable way. What I’ve noticed is that I started following my own advice and all the things I post on Instagram about thinking for yourself and doing your own work and stuff like that. I noticed with the friend I always hung out with that I was having a hard time hanging out with her, we used to sit around and talk about all the things we wanted to do to improve our lives and do them together, but for some reason all we did was talk. I don’t like talking! I used to talk all the time and that was all I did, I never had any action with my words. I made a pact with myself months ago that if I spoke of wanting to do something for myself or others then I would do it or I wouldn’t talk about it. I used to be so bothered by others who talked big but never had any follow through, and I was bothered so much because I fit right in with them and I disliked myself for it! I was not going to be a hypocrite anymore! If I say I am going to do something then I do it or I don’t say anything about it, I just cannot be what I don’t like in other people.

I’m so mindful of myself it’s almost embarrassing, it’s made me have a very hard time hanging out with anyone, or just being around anyone in general, I’ve got so much psychology knowledge in my head I can’t even get mad at anyone anymore because I see all the things they do to avoid taking action in their own life and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it for them because I can’t fix them. I literally can only look at myself, that is really hard for others to understand. But for me it’s made all the difference in the world. I cannot even stress the importance of paying attention to yourself!!! I can’t teach it, I can’t explain it, I can’t describe how to do it, all I can do is tell my story of how my life started changing the moment I became mindful of myself. That’s it, that’s all I can do and hope that someone connects with it and researches their own way to become more mindful. I don’t think my way is right, I don’t think my way is the only way, all I know is at one point in my life everyone around me telling me how to be and how to act and do this do that and this and that was not for me!

Someone I love a lot and have always respected and admired sat me down once a few years ago when I was in a bad way and told me I was toxic. They couldn’t really explain to me what it was that made me toxic but what was going on between us was not healthy. I wish I could say that was all it took for me to get better but it wasn’t. I fought and fought and fought to disagree and prove that I wasn’t toxic so much so that I drove everyone around me away. All of them, some on purpose, some unintentional. Guess what I had left? Myself and my cat and my dog. That’s it. I went through a couple jobs a few friends and then all I had was me. So what did I do when the only person I had left to lean on was myself? I started studying. What did I study? I studied myself! I absolutely learned and leaned on myself.

I learned my personality is one of the rarest in the world, I’m happiest when in very small groups, (less than two people) Music is very healing to me. I’d rather go to concerts alone or with someone who also likes to go to concerts alone. My cats are the most amazing animals in the world, I want to open a cat sanctuary. I’m more insightful than most people realize to the point it’s a little bit scary so I keep my insights to myself most of the time. I am a very private person and although I do share my life with all of you in my writings and my Instagram, each of you have a different version of me. I want to save the world but I want to do it from the comfort of my bed because I absorb the energies of those I come across during the day. I learned the reason I can’t stay at a job for longer than a few years is because more often that not supervisors and employers lose integrity and are not authentic in their values and values are quite important to me. I learned I have a very hard time being around conflict and negativity because it actually disrupts my energy, my thoughts and it’s very overwhelming emotionally. I’ve also learned that I am perceived as a dick because I refuse to sugarcoat anything and I speak in terms of reality.

I could write for days about all the things I have learned about myself but I won’t bore anyone with all that anymore. My point is when are you going to take the time to learn about yourself? If you do know about yourself when are you going to start listening to yourself and taking care of you? Like I write in almost every post I write, no one is going to save you. No one. It’s your job to do your own work, find your own self and do what you need to do to be the best version of you possible. There are SO many resources out there to help you, I cannot stress this enough. No time? Are you sure? There are 24 hours in a day, I work for 8, commute for 1, I sleep for about 6, that leaves me 9 hours, 9 hours for me to work on me. Take out work, commute and sleep and tell me how many hours a day do you have that are available for you? How many hours a day do you waste doing frivolous things? (this is why I am perceived as a dick, tell me you can’t and I will point out all the ways that you can)

I hope with my story I can help one person change their life. I hope I can reach that one person that is tired of their own bullshit and can use my story as inspiration to change their own life and do all the personal work needed to change their world. It’s hard, I won’t lie but oh my gosh I am sorry that I took so long to open my eyes.

Rock on my pretties! Love yourself so much that you will do anything in your power to be the best version of you that you can, regardless of what anyone tells you.

Every Moment is a Test

Every Moment is a Test

I was playing around in my blog and realized I have 12 unfinished pieces of writings. Today I decided to finish one of them.

Recently I have been presented with things from my past that I want to get passed or in more accuracy I just want to go away and not have to deal with anymore. I suppose everyone has the past come up at some point in their lives, I am being presented with people who I have tried very hard to remove because of the battles they fight.

I have spent the last two years trying to change the way I think and heal what I think was an unhealthy relationship with myself. I say with myself because if we really think about it our outside world can and usually is a reflection of our inside world and if our outside relationships are not that great maybe it is time to look in that mirror and finally address our own issues.

My inside world for a very long time was anxiety ridden and full of fear because I spent so much time avoiding my relationship with myself I could barely function in any kind of relationship outside of myself. I went from job to job, relationship to relationship, friend to friend and so on, you get the picture right? I am sure most of you can relate.

Lately I keep having these little tests come up with me and I am really having a hard time deciphering them, so much I just want to hide from the world and just not deal with them at all. These tests that I am faced with are tests of my own strength and my own boundaries with other toxic individuals and the battles they are fighting with themselves.

We should all know that we are a reflection of the 5 people we are with the most, we should. I didn’t realize it until I started looking at myself and the things I just didn’t like about my thoughts and actions. Once I realized I didn’t like what was going on inside me I decided to look at just who I was around the most. Guess what I discovered about most of the individuals I was with the most? ALL PESSIMISTIC COMPLAINERS!!!!! Chronic complainers I believe is the actual word I read the other day on this subject.

Complaining is a toxic trait and will turn a very healthy mindset into an unhealthy mindset quite quickly without any realization of it happening. Luckily I have learned and grown so much that I welcome constructive criticism and I also will give it when asked, sometimes when not asked. I am working on not just throwing my learning out there as some just aren’t ready or just don’t want to.

The thing I have the hardest time with is voluntarily letting someone know that I can’t be around them anymore because they are toxic. I wondered why and then it dawned on me that we can’t really tell toxic individuals that they are toxic. I mean we can and some of us do but there’s always such a fine line with this and we just can’t tell if that person respects you enough to say thank you or fuck you when constructive criticism is given.

The things I write about and the things I post on Instagram are all meant to make us look at ourselves. I write about things that I know everyone relates to and I write about people I actually know including myself. Most of my thoughts and ideas come from things I have learned while out and about with the people I am with the most or people I just can’t be around anymore.

I never want to point fingers at anyone and make them think they are a pile of shit or bad individuals because I don’t think people really are bad or pieces of shit. I write about my own journey and the things I have learned about others while I am only focused on learning about myself with the hopes that someone will say “holy shit Bobbie I do that, I complain all the time, maybe that is why I “think” my life is so miserable.”

I only want to write so that others will take a look at just themselves. I never want to write and have you think things like “oh yeah so and so is so toxic they do need to take a look at themselves”. Yeah that is NOT what I mean by the things I write. I want you to say holy shit I do that and then research like mad how to not be like that. It’s very easy to blame others for our shortcomings but whose fault is it really?

I honest and truly believe the whole entire world can be such a beautiful place if we only focused on our own insides and not everyone else’s. I would really love nothing more than to just take those I know and write about all the things they do and say that make their lives “miserable” but I am not to that point yet and it really isn’t my job to point out others flaws even if that is what they do to the people around them. All I can do is keep looking in my own mirror and keep myself on the love and kindness train.

My job is not to treat people tit for tat, my job is to love and only love. I’m not a professional at all I am just a girl who is finally realizing that I control my world and it wasn’t as hard as I thought regardless of what “they” say. If you like what I write about please share it, follow, comment, you know all that good stuff that everyone loves! Rock On My Pretties!

Til We Meet Again

Til We Meet Again

Best present ever
Christmas 2008

She had a face only a mother could love, not when she was a puppy of course because EVERYONE loved her as a puppy but it didn’t take long for her to fill out into an 85 pound brick wall, which is why there are not many pictures of her small.  I was constantly receiving comments about what a fat ball of ugly she was but she was absolutely beautiful to me. She wasn’t just any ole dog, she had a smooshy face, a personality that was unremarkable and she was also the last gift my brother had given me before he took his life.

Early 2009

My brother showed up for Christmas the year his Jo Jo had her puppies 2008, with a male and a female left he told me this beautiful face was mine to keep if I wanted her. Of Course I wanted her! Look at that gorgeous face, how could anyone NOT want her! 

I had ZERO experience in the English Bulldog department and while she was small she was such a joy! Let me tell you English Bulldogs do not stay small for long. She was 80 pounds by the time she was 9 months old and she was not fat by all means! I followed my directions for caring for her and was extremely protective of her and those who were privileged in getting to watch her for me were carefully chosen. I took her every where with me and she loved it! She loved meeting new people and she loved when company would come over as she knew they were only there to see her. I say she was a joy and I do mean she was, even if she ripped the bottom of my couch apart, ate every houseplant I had  that she was able to reach and also showed me what a “bulldog” was bred to do by instinct the day she met my horse, all done before she was a year old.

About 9 months old

She was a tank! A vicious killer and a blubbering slobbery ball of energy, in short bursts of course as Bulldogs are not strenuous exercisers! She could sprint faster than most dogs but only for less than ten seconds and if anyone happened to be in the way when she was running they more often than not had a knee taken out or had to jump out of her way. I watched her pull parts of a car off once to reach a rock chuck she had been hunting for days. She was the MOST bull headed dog I’ve ever seen and she did what she wanted when she wanted.

Around 5 years

I won’t lie I am not much of a dog person, I’m more of a cat person.  But there was something about her that I absolutely adored! Her face, her snoring, her grunting like a pig when she was out digging in the dirt, the mud baths, the wading in the water, the way she loved her boys (my three children), the way she got embarrassed when people talked about her, the way she would pout when she didn’t get her way and most of all her smile! She was always so happy, no matter what was going on. 

7 years old

Something I didn’t know about owning an English Bulldog was that their “adult” life is very short. Their life span is actually relatively short but the parts in between puppy and senior for these guys is apparently only a couple years out of their 8 year life expectancy. Yes I said 8 years, that is the life expectancy of an English Bulldog, of course it varies as some live longer, some not as long.

jessie jo
Around 5 years

If I could have had my way my girl would have lived forever but unfortunately no one does in the physical form and sadly I had to make that dreadful decision in the wee morning hours of September 21, 2018 as her health went from being a senior dog who managed to get around fairly well to being a dog ready to go to the next life in a matter of hours. It was definitely something I wasn’t completely prepared for that’s for sure even though I had spent the last two years preparing myself for that day as I knew it would come. 

I don’t want to get into too many details with her health as she was actually a fairly healthy bulldog. I had read they are extremely expensive to own as they have a lot of health issues due to overbreeding. My Jessie was fairly healthy her whole life, no major catastrophes in her life, she did develop a couple lumps on her body in her early life but I had them removed and only one was biopsied as malignant years ago and they never grew back. She developed the cataracts a few years ago and that is common in all senior dogs and she was able to get around just as good as before she had them. She was stiff and sore on cold mornings as most seniors are, dogs or people! It happens to all of us at some point!

Jessie Jo on her birthday! 11/1/2017 Her 9th Birthday

She spent the last year of her life being spoiled more than normal, she went from hardly any people food to sharing my dinner nightly, steak mostly. Regular trips to the vet were essential this last year and other than her having TMJ (Temporomandibular joint dysfunction) and Cataracts she was healthy! Earlier this year I added CBD oil to her diet to help her with her stiffness and TMJ and it actually worked so well she started running again and she was even able to bark at dogs walking by! This video was only taken in July 2018, about two months into the CBD oil regimen. I was certain I would get another birthday out of her, certain I would see her tenth birthday. 

I made it to her tenth birthday but she did not, as much as I wanted her to she was ready to go home. She was the absolute coolest dog and I miss her immensely and to imagine her with her mama Jo Jo, her brother Cecil and my brother Guy all together again I cannot help but smile knowing she is back with her family and I feel the love from my brother and all of his dogs with him and am very grateful she got to spend her physical life with me.  

I have so many pictures of her through the years that I cannot post them all in my blog like I normally do so I will make a little gallery of Bulldog pics for you to enjoy if you’ve stayed thus far. Grab a tissue though. 

Jessie Jo Fifer 11/1/2008-9/21/2018

Exploring Spring 2017
Not Impressed
Jessie and her mama Jo Jo
February 2015 Jessie, Jo Jo and Freckles and my Step Dad Ronnie. (All gone now 😥)
I am sure I was eating
6/21/14 Jessie and Brenton
Sleepy puppers
April 2016
Young Jessie
Watching a big snake
Snuggles when I didn’t feel good
Car ride in 2017
Waiting for a treat camping
Jessie on the right, Jo Jo on the left, My oldest in the middle 2016
Car rides!
Such a bed hog! 2016
She always knew when I was down
Ready for bed. Early 2018
At the vet! She loved her vet! March 2018
Enjoying the sunshine May 2017
9/21/2018-If the kindest souls were rewarded with the longest lives dogs would outlive us all.