Every Moment is a Test

Every Moment is a Test

I was playing around in my blog and realized I have 12 unfinished pieces of writings. Today I decided to finish one of them.

Recently I have been presented with things from my past that I want to get passed or in more accuracy I just want to go away and not have to deal with anymore. I suppose everyone has the past come up at some point in their lives, I am being presented with people who I have tried very hard to remove because of the battles they fight.

I have spent the last two years trying to change the way I think and heal what I think was an unhealthy relationship with myself. I say with myself because if we really think about it our outside world can and usually is a reflection of our inside world and if our outside relationships are not that great maybe it is time to look in that mirror and finally address our own issues.

My inside world for a very long time was anxiety ridden and full of fear because I spent so much time avoiding my relationship with myself I could barely function in any kind of relationship outside of myself. I went from job to job, relationship to relationship, friend to friend and so on, you get the picture right? I am sure most of you can relate.

Lately I keep having these little tests come up with me and I am really having a hard time deciphering them, so much I just want to hide from the world and just not deal with them at all. These tests that I am faced with are tests of my own strength and my own boundaries with other toxic individuals and the battles they are fighting with themselves.

We should all know that we are a reflection of the 5 people we are with the most, we should. I didn’t realize it until I started looking at myself and the things I just didn’t like about my thoughts and actions. Once I realized I didn’t like what was going on inside me I decided to look at just who I was around the most. Guess what I discovered about most of the individuals I was with the most? ALL PESSIMISTIC COMPLAINERS!!!!! Chronic complainers I believe is the actual word I read the other day on this subject.

Complaining is a toxic trait and will turn a very healthy mindset into an unhealthy mindset quite quickly without any realization of it happening. Luckily I have learned and grown so much that I welcome constructive criticism and I also will give it when asked, sometimes when not asked. I am working on not just throwing my learning out there as some just aren’t ready or just don’t want to.

The thing I have the hardest time with is voluntarily letting someone know that I can’t be around them anymore because they are toxic. I wondered why and then it dawned on me that we can’t really tell toxic individuals that they are toxic. I mean we can and some of us do but there’s always such a fine line with this and we just can’t tell if that person respects you enough to say thank you or fuck you when constructive criticism is given.

The things I write about and the things I post on Instagram are all meant to make us look at ourselves. I write about things that I know everyone relates to and I write about people I actually know including myself. Most of my thoughts and ideas come from things I have learned while out and about with the people I am with the most or people I just can’t be around anymore.

I never want to point fingers at anyone and make them think they are a pile of shit or bad individuals because I don’t think people really are bad or pieces of shit. I write about my own journey and the things I have learned about others while I am only focused on learning about myself with the hopes that someone will say “holy shit Bobbie I do that, I complain all the time, maybe that is why I “think” my life is so miserable.”

I only want to write so that others will take a look at just themselves. I never want to write and have you think things like “oh yeah so and so is so toxic they do need to take a look at themselves”. Yeah that is NOT what I mean by the things I write. I want you to say holy shit I do that and then research like mad how to not be like that. It’s very easy to blame others for our shortcomings but whose fault is it really?

I honest and truly believe the whole entire world can be such a beautiful place if we only focused on our own insides and not everyone else’s. I would really love nothing more than to just take those I know and write about all the things they do and say that make their lives “miserable” but I am not to that point yet and it really isn’t my job to point out others flaws even if that is what they do to the people around them. All I can do is keep looking in my own mirror and keep myself on the love and kindness train.

My job is not to treat people tit for tat, my job is to love and only love. I’m not a professional at all I am just a girl who is finally realizing that I control my world and it wasn’t as hard as I thought regardless of what “they” say. If you like what I write about please share it, follow, comment, you know all that good stuff that everyone loves! Rock On My Pretties!

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Til We Meet Again

Til We Meet Again

Best present ever
Christmas 2008

She had a face only a mother could love, not when she was a puppy of course because EVERYONE loved her as a puppy but it didn’t take long for her to fill out into an 85 pound brick wall, which is why there are not many pictures of her small.  I was constantly receiving comments about what a fat ball of ugly she was but she was absolutely beautiful to me. She wasn’t just any ole dog, she had a smooshy face, a personality that was unremarkable and she was also the last gift my brother had given me before he took his life.

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Early 2009

My brother showed up for Christmas the year his Jo Jo had her puppies 2008, with a male and a female left he told me this beautiful face was mine to keep if I wanted her. Of Course I wanted her! Look at that gorgeous face, how could anyone NOT want her! 

I had ZERO experience in the English Bulldog department and while she was small she was such a joy! Let me tell you English Bulldogs do not stay small for long. She was 80 pounds by the time she was 9 months old and she was not fat by all means! I followed my directions for caring for her and was extremely protective of her and those who were privileged in getting to watch her for me were carefully chosen. I took her every where with me and she loved it! She loved meeting new people and she loved when company would come over as she knew they were only there to see her. I say she was a joy and I do mean she was, even if she ripped the bottom of my couch apart, ate every houseplant I had  that she was able to reach and also showed me what a “bulldog” was bred to do by instinct the day she met my horse, all done before she was a year old.

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About 9 months old

She was a tank! A vicious killer and a blubbering slobbery ball of energy, in short bursts of course as Bulldogs are not strenuous exercisers! She could sprint faster than most dogs but only for less than ten seconds and if anyone happened to be in the way when she was running they more often than not had a knee taken out or had to jump out of her way. I watched her pull parts of a car off once to reach a rock chuck she had been hunting for days. She was the MOST bull headed dog I’ve ever seen and she did what she wanted when she wanted.

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Around 5 years

I won’t lie I am not much of a dog person, I’m more of a cat person.  But there was something about her that I absolutely adored! Her face, her snoring, her grunting like a pig when she was out digging in the dirt, the mud baths, the wading in the water, the way she loved her boys (my three children), the way she got embarrassed when people talked about her, the way she would pout when she didn’t get her way and most of all her smile! She was always so happy, no matter what was going on. 

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7 years old

Something I didn’t know about owning an English Bulldog was that their “adult” life is very short. Their life span is actually relatively short but the parts in between puppy and senior for these guys is apparently only a couple years out of their 8 year life expectancy. Yes I said 8 years, that is the life expectancy of an English Bulldog, of course it varies as some live longer, some not as long.

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Around 5 years

If I could have had my way my girl would have lived forever but unfortunately no one does in the physical form and sadly I had to make that dreadful decision in the wee morning hours of September 21, 2018 as her health went from being a senior dog who managed to get around fairly well to being a dog ready to go to the next life in a matter of hours. It was definitely something I wasn’t completely prepared for that’s for sure even though I had spent the last two years preparing myself for that day as I knew it would come. 

I don’t want to get into too many details with her health as she was actually a fairly healthy bulldog. I had read they are extremely expensive to own as they have a lot of health issues due to overbreeding. My Jessie was fairly healthy her whole life, no major catastrophes in her life, she did develop a couple lumps on her body in her early life but I had them removed and only one was biopsied as malignant years ago and they never grew back. She developed the cataracts a few years ago and that is common in all senior dogs and she was able to get around just as good as before she had them. She was stiff and sore on cold mornings as most seniors are, dogs or people! It happens to all of us at some point!

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Jessie Jo on her birthday! 11/1/2017 Her 9th Birthday

She spent the last year of her life being spoiled more than normal, she went from hardly any people food to sharing my dinner nightly, steak mostly. Regular trips to the vet were essential this last year and other than her having TMJ (Temporomandibular joint dysfunction) and Cataracts she was healthy! Earlier this year I added CBD oil to her diet to help her with her stiffness and TMJ and it actually worked so well she started running again and she was even able to bark at dogs walking by! This video was only taken in July 2018, about two months into the CBD oil regimen. I was certain I would get another birthday out of her, certain I would see her tenth birthday. 

I made it to her tenth birthday but she did not, as much as I wanted her to she was ready to go home. She was the absolute coolest dog and I miss her immensely and to imagine her with her mama Jo Jo, her brother Cecil and my brother Guy all together again I cannot help but smile knowing she is back with her family and I feel the love from my brother and all of his dogs with him and am very grateful she got to spend her physical life with me.  

I have so many pictures of her through the years that I cannot post them all in my blog like I normally do so I will make a little gallery of Bulldog pics for you to enjoy if you’ve stayed thus far. Grab a tissue though. 

Jessie Jo Fifer 11/1/2008-9/21/2018

Boating!
Exploring Spring 2017
Not Impressed
Jessie and her mama Jo Jo
February 2015 Jessie, Jo Jo and Freckles and my Step Dad Ronnie. (All gone now 😥)
I am sure I was eating
6/21/14 Jessie and Brenton
Sleepy puppers
April 2016
Young Jessie
Watching a big snake
Snuggles when I didn’t feel good
Car ride in 2017
Waiting for a treat camping
Jessie on the right, Jo Jo on the left, My oldest in the middle 2016
Car rides!
Such a bed hog! 2016
She always knew when I was down
Ready for bed. Early 2018
At the vet! She loved her vet! March 2018
Enjoying the sunshine May 2017
2017
9/21/2018-If the kindest souls were rewarded with the longest lives dogs would outlive us all. 
Can you hear that?

Can you hear that?

There’s a voice inside all of our heads that only we can clearly hear.

 

It tells us things like do this, do that, don’t do this, don’t do that. Go here, go there.

 

This voice can get very loud the more we listen to it.

 

Did you also know that voice inside our head is actually us?

 

Would you let others speak to you in the ways that you speak to yourself?

 

Why do you let yourself then?

 

We feed our own fears.

 

We scare ourselves.

 

We try to drown our fears and that voice with alcohol and pills.

 

When all we really need to do is remember that voice inside our head is our own.