Ghosts Inside


I was having a conversation with someone the other night about that meme that goes around that asks if you could choose one person to sit down with for an hour, alive or dead who would you choose? I told my friend that I would choose Tom Petty, I would really like to sit with him and pick his brain. The look on his face was almost a look of shock and he immediately asked why I would choose Tom Petty over my own brother. It’s simple I said, I can wait to see my brother again as I already know I will and what he will say to me and what I will say to him. I never got a chance to meet Tom Petty and he was a very brilliant man and I would love to meet him and just ask him a few questions. (This all came up as I was telling him about the Tom Petty Running Down a Dream movie I recently watched, I was telling him he should watch it and be amazed by the power of the mind)

He asked me how I know I will see my brother again, all I could really say was I see my brother all the time, he’s always around me and I have no doubt we will meet again but I am not ready to sit down with him right now, in fact he was in my house a week ago, he showed up at work with me, followed me home, played some jokes on me and I told him he wasn’t funny and to stop. Sounds crazy huh? Let me tell you all about it!

I was sitting at my desk in my office chair and suddenly my back got cold and then my arms got cold, but not my whole arms, just the part of my arms where someone would be touching me while giving me a bear hug from behind, only my back and only a section of my arms. It was not just cool, it was straight up cold and it stayed that way long enough for me to wonder why just parts of me were very cold. My brother always hugged me that way, he always hugged me. After a few minutes of this it stopped and I was left feeling a little enlightened, not scared, not worried, not really anything but okay. I immediately thought maybe it was him hugging me and left it at that.

Later when I got home I was laying on my bed with all the animals in my room, which was weird too as my dog is getting up there in age and doesn’t come up to my room often as it’s pretty hard for her to get up the stairs, but she was up there too. All the animals were on my side of the room with me and my dresser is across the room quite far away. I was Snap chatting my friend and telling her about the ghost hug I got at work and how it felt really weird but it also was comforting. As we were Snap chatting a piece of paper fell off my mirror across the room. Also not a big deal either right? There wasn’t anything over there to cause it to fall as all the animals were with me on my bed, I told her about it and I giggled and said my brother is here and I don’t know what he wants.

Hard to believe, I know! It gets better though! I always listen to the radio when I am home, I have no TV so my radio is always on. While I am telling my friend about the odd things going on in my room, the hug, the paper and speaking of my brother and such, I hear the radio cut in and out. Not silence like it’s gone off the air, this was white noise and it was interrupting the airwaves during the song. It would come and go, there was no silence at all, it was music and then white noise then music then white noise. I actually got it recorded it was happening so much during the song. While I recorded it on Snap chat to show her I was just lit up! I was so lit up I forgot to save my video! I think I forgot to save it because I noticed that it was Pantera playing, Cemetery Gates was the song. Pantera was one of my brother’s favorite bands of all time. So yeah I was a little excited to have that happen and know that if he has ever let me know he was there it was definitely that night. I don’t care what anyone says about it. I believe with everything I have that he was there and letting me know he was there and letting me know everything is going to be okay with me and that he too is okay. It was almost a relief actually.

He has come a few other times before but never quite like this time. He always shows up when I go visit his Cross. We have a cross where he died to memorialize him, it’s a place for people to go and talk to him. He doesn’t have a grave and we didn’t get any of his ashes,his cross is really the only place people have to go to spend time with him. Any time I pull up to the cross no matter what radio station I am listening to FM or satellite, either Tool, AC/DC or Metallica comes on. Always. I do have video proof of that and plenty of witnesses I’ve taken there. My son and I were there once and not only was one of those bands playing but a bird was on his cross chirping as loud as he possibly could, just a few feet from us.

My son and I also were coming home from Salt Lake City last summer, stopped at a gas station in Hansen, Idaho and my son was driving and I was sitting in the passenger seat waiting for my nephew to come out of the store so I had my door open and I saw a little parking lot bird nearby, those little birds that wait for you to throw them food, Starlings maybe. As I sat and watched this bird who was about 6 feet from me, I just had this overwhelming feeling that something weird was about to happen and as soon as I thought it this bird flies right at me! All I could do was cower towards my son but I’m laughing my ass off. Laughing so hard my son is just sitting there, and he asks what the hell I’m doing. I told him that there’s a bird in the car and I sat back up and the bird was on my lap! It was just sitting there looking at us. He tried to grab it so we could get it out of my car and it jumped in the back of my car. We spent 20 minutes looking all over my car for this bird and could not find it anywhere, my nephew even came out of the store and asked what in the world we were doing and he joined in the search. Mind you the only openings to the outside were my door and my small back window that was also down, and we did not see it go out of the car. My nephew finally makes a joke about if it didn’t fly out already we will either find it driving back home on the freeway or I will smell it later in a week and off we went home. It was another 3 hours to home once we left Hansen. No bird surprised us while driving home, so we all assumed it had left and we just didn’t see it.

The next day while I was at work my car alarm went off. I couldn’t get it to shut off, it was crazy! Couldn’t figure out why it went off, I’m assuming I bought a piece of shit car with electrical problems. Finally got it off and continued my day. It’s the beginning of July, my birthday was the next day, it’s 100 degrees out and I’m on my way home from work and I hear a chirping in my car. No shit, I heard a bird chirp in my car. My son was my next door neighbor at the time so I called him and said I am almost home and I shit you not that bird is still in my car! I went home, he came outside and got on the drivers side and I am on the passenger side using my phone as a flashlight. He can’t see anything so he stands up and says just that. Here I am on the ground with my face on the floor looking under my seat with my flashlight phone and I say to him “I found a CD under here” and as I start to pull out the CD that damn bird flies out right over my shoulder and all I can do is sit and laugh while my son is just blown away that this bird who in no way should have survived inside a locked car for 24 hours in 100 degree heat with no food or water. We laughed and laughed and both knew who it was.

He always comes around when I need him the most, the bird in the car was a very hard time for me and I was really struggling with my life and what I wanted to do and I knew that he was showing me if that bird could survive that time in my car then I can survive as well, and I have, and I will for the rest of my physical life as I don’t necessarily think our lives end with death. My brother has shown me many times there is a lot more out there than our physical lives, he has shown me we are all energy that is transferred from being to being after our physical life has ended.

This is why I wouldn’t choose my brother to spend an hour with, as hard as that is to hear. We would just talk about suicide anyway and I can wait for that conversation  when I do see him again. It was hard for my friend to hear as I know he would choose his dad to see and I know why he would. What he doesn’t realize is we can’t get approval or any kind of acceptance from our deceased relatives. That doesn’t matter anymore, and never really did, but it took me a long time to realize that. Our approval and acceptance must come from within. As hard as it is to go through life just wanting our parents to tell us they are proud of us or they love us because that is what parents should do, we can’t stop our lives once they are gone because we never got it. We can’t be afraid to be the people we were born to be because our mom or our dad never told us we were good people. Not everyone is like us as individuals. Some people go through their whole lives never knowing what it means to love someone unconditionally, or just to let their children be themselves. It is not our fault our parents passed away before telling us they loved us. If they hadn’t said it before they would have never said it, is the way I look at it. We as adults should not have to jump through hoops trying to be accepted by people who don’t understand the concept of what it means to be an accepting adult.

I really wish there was a book that we could read to our children over and over that reminded us that children are themselves not what we want them to be and no dream is ever too big for them to achieve as long as they work hard at it. Children should be loved as unconditionally as our spouses but most are not and that is truly a sad thing to see in this world. There are more damaged adults out there than there are genuine adults and all of that could have been avoided by just being loving and accepting to all that our children are. My brother loved me as unconditionally as anyone I have ever met. He never shamed me, discouraged me or degraded me. He was always my hero as he was the one person who never asked me to change who I was, because I was HIS sister.

I hope you enjoyed my story! Please feel free to share my blog with everyone you feel would enjoy or relate to it. We are not alone. There are others like us out there hoping someone else can understand what we feel. Let’s find them and help them see their full potential and heal all of those broken hearts out there. I look forward to next time!

Rock on my beauties!


One thought on “Ghosts Inside

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  1. WOW!! Your words and thoughts are amazing and very true. Painful, but very true. Not a hurtful pain, mind you. But truthfully painful. No one wants to hear or read such words and realize they are true… It’s having to admit that as a parent, I didn’t listen, I didn’t hear and I wasn’t there for my Children.. But I know I really wasn’t. I know I could only act and react from the information I’d been given in my life time.. The information was actually there.. Just didn’t know how to reach it..


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