It’s Dark

I crashed this last week, it was quietly sneaking up on me and when it caught up, I fell. Hard.

For those new to my site, I created this space so I could share my thoughts and feelings about losing my brother to suicide and how it’s affected me, and to share the things that happened to us that led to his choice in leaving.

I’ve always felt I understood his choice and in a way I do understand but this last week I lost something briefly that had always kept me going so I wouldn’t follow him. I lost my hope. It was a brief loss but it was enough to reach out to someone I love and trust to help me get it back.

Sometimes all it takes is a brief loss of hope to make a decision that can’t be reversed. What happened to me to lose hope and how am I still here? Studying narcissism, toxic families, and social media toxicity got the best of me and weirdly I haven’t completed my studies on the subjects so I’m still here.

Something happened in my personal life that threw me for a loop and the toxicity of social media had me convinced for a moment that all hope is gone as far as the status of our well being as humans.

I’m still thrown off, I’m upset and confused and more than anything I’m hurt. I had to take a break from social media, it’s been nice, I’m sure I’ll be back, I need it for my work, but first I have to take care of myself.