Trying to see gray when all you’ve seen is black and white can be the most difficult journey to ever go on. Trying to shine your light when so many others want it dark is exhausting. The most difficult thing I think I’ve ever done was open my eyes to the possibility of there being something bigger out there. A simple solution to millions of problems. Everyone has a light inside them that the world needs to see but that light doesn’t seem to shine until the exact moment that those eyes are open, like a switch. Not only is there black, white and gray but there are hundreds of other colors out there as well, somewhere I had turned off my light and didn’t see them anymore. They are actually quite beautiful.
I believe that everyone is born with this light but somewhere if they don’t get the correct fuel source that light dims. I don’t believe the light ever truly goes out but it can grow very dim to where it appears it is out, that is where I feel suicide takes place.
For those of us whose light has dimmed we or at least I started only seeing things one way. Society, mainstream media, our family, our friends, relatives, teachers, doctors, my relationships, and pretty much everyone around me have told me repeatedly how to be, what to say, how to dress, how to feel, what’s right and what’s wrong without letting me figure that out on my own. This starts in childhood. Parents, Grandparents, Teachers, Authority Figures, Bosses and most everyone we encounter throughout our life. I think this causes a disturbance inside of us. We end up with this inner battle with ourselves between Empathy and Narcissism and eventually one over powers the other but it never eliminates it, hence the inner battle. This battle continues throughout life and appears in us in forms like crime, drug abuse, alcoholism, truancy, manipulation, reckless behavior, unprotected sex, fighting, emotional and physical abuse and so on. Something eventually happens when that light gets dimmed where we start fighting to find the light but fight to also stay in the dark, eventually something else will happen that causes us to choose the light or the dark and the dark eventually ends with death. I know in my instance I saw the light so many times but just couldn’t keep it shining until one day it almost went out. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment the light got brighter but I know the circumstances that surrounded it and I know what I felt at that moment and I know what I felt as I felt the warmth of the light and how badly I wanted more of it. It did not happen over night and I don’t think it can. I don’t think it can happen just because, I think something has to happen in such a way that your light almost goes out and it somehow, when you open your eyes and your mind, it flips a switch and the light suddenly starts getting brighter, and brighter until finally its shining so bright that others can see it and are drawn to its warmth and for some reason, maybe something happens to them and their light also starts getting brighter.
Trying to remove a lifetime of programming to find your true potential can be an extremely painful journey that not everyone is prepared to take or even to acknowledge that it should happen. But the end result is the most beautiful feeling in the world and one I wish everyone could experience.
Just like a caterpillar she fought through the dark only to become something breathtaking dancing freely among the wildflowers.
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Healthy support groups can often help open ones eyes to options which in turn brightens the light. ACOA is a great place to start for those negatively impacted during their upbringing.
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