Who am I?

I just read an article about damaged women. I was going to write about who I feel I’ve become recently. I actually think it’s how I always was but I hide myself because the world is so judgmental.

I am a survivor. I’ve been through some shit in my life. Not as bad as some, but bad for me. Abuse, neglect, bullied, manipulated, used, forgotten, more abuse, the suicide of my only sibling, more abuse, suicide attempts, the suicide of my step-father and now this separation with my husband.

I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out why me? Why was I chosen to have all this happen? Well from what I can tell I survived up until my brother died and then I almost gave up but I made a promise to him so I survived some more. I learned who I was and how I could help myself be this person I felt I was supposed to be. I have a heart that feels almost everything that goes on around me, positive, negative and everything in between.

I’ve had more people I am not really close to come to me and tell me about my soul and how it draws others to me with this light that I shine. I have a friend that always reminds me of my light and how I continuously shine no matter what I’ve been through. I don’t know if I ever really believed her but part of me wanted to because I would see the things she would point out actually happen. The past couple weeks people I only knew from a distance have started coming around and commenting on the same light my friend has always reminded me of so how can I not believe her?

I have always thought I was intuitive but I never explored it because I was shut down a few times when I brought it up so I forgot about it. Now that I have removed myself from basically everyone around me I have noticed it coming back. Feelings I always had I am now able to explore and dissect, feelings I had about others, I am now realizing was my body’s way of telling me to be careful.

I’ve always believed that everyone is good, everyone has the same kind of heart in my book, it the choices we make with that heart that make us good or bad. That’s what I thought any way. I still believe it for the most part. I do believe we can change and we can choose to be good. I try to be good all the time. I try to be respectful of others, I try hard to put myself in the shoes that surround me and feel what they feel. Sometimes it’s very hard and sometimes it crushes me with guilt and sadness.

I do not know anyone that isn’t judgmental in some way, and I suppose that is okay. I am too on certain things but not all things. I know that I believe the way I feel and I know that I am allowed to those feelings regardless of what others tell me. They are mine to feel and do with what I want. What I now think I need to work on is telling myself that it is okay to remove myself from someone’s presence if I don’t like the way they make me feel. I follow this page written by a narcissist and he is writing to let everyone know the game they play and I can read his work and find someone I know in my life, not necessarily currently in my life but somewhere in my life I can find someone from every post he makes and that scares me.

I’m scared to go out in public now, I am scared to tell anyone anything about me for fear they will use it to their advantage to use me. I am scared to get close to anyone, friend or otherwise. I am the type of person that loves to give others attention, I love to take care of people and I love to feel needed/wanted. I do not love to feel used. I do not love reaching out to others just to be shut down because they don’t have “time” for me. I do not love being told what to do and who to talk to and how to live my life. Those things are for me to decide. I understand everyone just cares and wants to look out for me, but there comes a time when we must let someone take care of themselves for once in their lives and worry about our own actions.

I started this post a couple of weeks ago and got stuck writing it and when I got stuck I said to myself, I’m kind of in a good place right now and I seem to only write when I am not in a good place. Guess why I am finishing my post today? I am not in a good place.

With the Vegas shooting, Tom Petty dying and my people slowly growing distant from my life I realize that I am here in this world alone. People say they care and I am sure they do. I don’t doubt that one bit. I think what bothers me the most is that I know very few  who really do what they say they will do. So many of us in this world talk a big game but when it comes down to action we have nothing. I know I used to talk a huge game and I know that I have disappointed many people in my life, disappointed them because they didn’t get from me what they wanted regardless of what it did to me and my well-being. I see why it’s easier to just talk instead of taking action, it shuts people up for a while, but when I encounter it and I sit back and say to myself when are they going to do what they said and I realized how that statement makes me feel I decided to take a different direction with myself and only say things that I actually would do. Maybe that is why everyone has disappeared I really don’t know.

I wanted to make my goal of writing something once or twice a week and this week I will probably write a lot more due to starting to spiral down my rabbit hole, I can’t really say. I know I am feeling sorry for myself today and wondering why it appears I am unloved. I know this is untrue, I am very loved by quite a few out there, but today is one of those days that I wished I had someone to hold me while I cried for the sadness I feel today.

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