Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like it would be better to not exist? A day where you wonder where your loved ones would be if you never existed in the first place? A day where you regret your entire life? A day where you wonder why you are here because it doesn’t seem to be beneficial to anyone that you are here?
I have these thoughts often. What I mean by often is I feel like I have them more so than others, I can’t confirm that I do because I don’t ask anyone. I used to have them daily, numerous times throughout the day. I believe the correct term for these thoughts are suicidal ideations but I’m not 100% sure on that. I don’t think of them as suicidal thoughts or ideations because to me that would indicate that I was possibly suicidal and I am not at all. I do not want to die. The thought terrifies me. The thought of taking my own life terrifies me. My brother took his life, my step father took his life. I chose to stay with life because I felt like I had a purpose for existence. I feel like I was supposed to help others see how beautiful life is instead of how dark life can be, even if I feel like I’m in the dark right now.
I’ve spent a great deal of my life surrounded by others but very alone in my thoughts. I’ve been misunderstood more than I’ve been understood, I’ve been bullied, ignored, talked about unkindly behind my back, talked about unkindly to my face, I’ve been purposely left out of family functions, I’ve had my personal belongings randomly disappear, I’ve been told I’m too much, too sensitive, rude, mean, selfish. I’ve been scoffed at for trying to share my feelings by more people than I can count. I have serious abandonment issues, serious trust issues and extremely serious confidence issues. I am physically, emotionally and spiritually a mess.
They say our childhood has a significant role in our adult life and I feel like I’m living proof of how fucked up someone can get and still continue to go on living. One day I will share my childhood and how it impacted my adulthood but for today I just want to get through the day. Today I am a little girl who would just like to feel comfortable in my own head and know that I’m loved and cherished even if I have to tell myself. Today I’m being vulnerable and sharing my honest thoughts with strangers in hopes to show someone else they aren’t alone. Maybe I’m sharing my vulnerability in hopes that others will tell me that I’m not as alone as I feel.
They say healing generational trauma isn’t for the weak and I better be invincible when I’m through with this.
P.S. most people who know me get terribly worried when I talk like this. There’s no need to. I’ve got this. It’s just a bad day not a bad life. Rock on my pretties.