I know we don’t talk like we used to and although I should not feel horrible about it, I do because I care, more than I should. It’s not that I don’t like you anymore, that’s not it at all, my friends will always be my friends and I truly dislike no one. For the last three years I have been spending my days learning about myself, studying myself, questioning myself and teaching myself and while I am teaching myself I am coincidentally learning about others at an extremely fast pace.
I discovered a while ago it didn’t really matter what you thought about me and what I was doing, what mattered was what I thought about me and what I was doing. I discovered that I spent more time checking on you and making sure you were okay and telling you all the bad things going on in my life and listening to all the bad things in your life and less time on the things I wanted to do and the things I wanted in my life in order to make myself happy.
One day I just woke up and decided that I am the one that has to see myself in the mirror and I am the one that has to sleep with me and I am the one that has to bear the consequences of every thought or action I make so it made more sense to me to keep MY things to MYSELF and I wanted to keep my “problems” to myself while I worked towards fixing them, I no longer wanted to tell you my problems because it was actually up to ME to fix them.
Choosing myself does not mean leaving you behind. What it means is that my own sanity, my own emotions, my own decisions and anything that I need to do for me is just that, FOR ME to do. I chose to stop filling you in on every detail of my life and every move I want to make or all the things I want to do and I decided to just live my life FOR ME and to do what makes ME happy. I found the more I talked of all the things going wrong in my life the less work I put forth in fixing my life and not fixing my life just doesn’t cut it.
I stopped asking anyone for advice, I threw away my television, I stopped drinking, I stopped medicating myself with pills, I stopped crying the blues to anyone who would listen and faced all my problems by myself and now I wake up everyday and tell myself this is my life and I am the only one who has to live it and the only one who can change it. I turned all my hurt and all my pain and all my suffering into love for myself and I love myself for the first time in my life.
For quite a while over the last three years I have been very good at telling you what I have done to fix myself and how well it is working for me and for a while you were actually interested in fixing yourself right along side me. You asked me often what new things I had learned and what I was doing differently and I was always happy to fill you in. Sometimes I would even call you first to let you know something really neato that had happened with my learnings.
I don’t have the energy to tell anyone how to fix themselves anymore, I spend most of the energy I have reflecting on my life and setting goals to improve my life and improve my attitude towards others and working my business. I’ve actually learned we all have the knowledge inside ourselves to be the best version of ourselves we can without taking anyone else out in the process. I don’t have the energy to listen to all the things that are wrong in the world because I spend my energy on celebrating everything that is right in my world.
No one learns the same and no one teaches the same. But we all know how the internet works and we all know how books work and we all know how to put forth some effort. These are all the things I had to remember in order to get where I am currently. These are all things that I don’t know how to teach you because you are comfortable where you are.
I’m sorry that our friendship has dwindled into nothing, I really am, but I refuse to go back to how I used to be because you are too scared to do your own work and grow into everything you talk of being and doing. I’m sorry that you would rather live in misery than make any kind of effort to change your life. I’m not sorry I decided my life is only as miserable as I make it and I refuse to be miserable anymore. Misery loves company which is probably why we no longer hang out.
It’s never too late to change, it’s never too late to learn something new, it’s never too late to start over, it’s never too late to become all that you dreamed of becoming. Start small, start with changing one thing. Just start. Or it WILL be too late.
I’m no professional by all means, I am just a girl who has lost a lot in her life and instead of letting it get me down I am making the best of it and making my life the very best it can be for me by always looking through my eyes with nothing but love. I hope by the time my life is over one person can say I helped them in some way by sharing my story. Feel free to comment, like and share if you like what you read, shit comment and share even if you think I am full of shit because either way I’ve got you thinking.
Rock on my beauties!!!