Take a Look at You

What happened to us? I’ve noticed since I’ve been on this journey during this past year that it seems no matter how “positive” we try to be, it’s damn near impossible to avoid anything negative. Damn near, I tell you! It’s taken me a lot of time alone and I mean alone in my house with my favorite radio station on, no phone, no television and no company other than my pets,  retraining my brain to stop resorting to the negative in such a way that I can almost keep it from bothering me anymore. It absolutely does bother me when it’s constantly thrown at me in my daily life, it’s really hard to maintain my progression when this happens.

How can we avoid this? I don’t know if this can ever really be avoided but I do think that it can be deterred so that it doesn’t affect us, at least for myself, in the same way that it used to a year ago when I began this journey. Negativity was the main reason I had to begin this journey. I was in such a negative state that I could no longer see the beauty in anything around me. I basically shut my eyes to the beauty in the world and all the good things that are actually out there for all of us to see and all the truly beautiful people who really do exist. I honestly believe that most of the world have closed their eyes to any kind of true beauty in this world. This is all from my own experiences in my everyday life not just my opinion, this comes from seeing people in my daily happenings whether I actually talk to them or not, I spend a lot of time observing those around me.

I avoid negativity by continuously being very proactive of what is going on inside me, including my feelings, my emotions and my thoughts and ONLY my things. Sounds hard doesn’t it? Let me tell you it is EXTREMELY hard! It is almost impossible for us as individuals to take a look at ourselves and see that we could possibly be doing something wrong within ourselves let alone accept that we as individuals could actually be the problem. I noticed with myself as I started this journey I was pretty quick to play the victim role and try to blame everything/everyone around me for making me so negative instead of just stopping and taking a look at myself and see that it had everything to do with my own perspective of things going on around me and going on inside myself. I don’t want to upset anyone who may not understand what I mean when I say I played the victim role. To me playing a victim means using something that has happened to me as a crutch for not improving my surroundings or myself, for example, I am such a bitch to my current husband because I didn’t have a great childhood, my ex-spouse was abusive, my brother died, any kind of excuse that I can use to NOT have to change my behavior, anything to NOT have to take responsibility for my actions, that is what I mean when I say taking the victim role. I do believe there are some true victims out there but I personally don’t believe in using that terrible thing that happened as a crutch to not grow and improve oneself. I could have a 1,000 page blog on just the topic of playing the victim all by itself but that is not what I wanted this particular post about.

Back to my journey and my realization for my growth…..

I spent a good portion of my adult life thinking that everyone was out to get me, everyone was against me and no one listened to me. Most of that is actually true, well the part about no one listening is, including myself. I can’t really say that I tried to say much but I do remember trying with a few different people in my life and what I got was invalidation and a feeling of being unimportant so I stopped trying with almost everyone and I kept to myself. I spent a lot of time watching people, I’ve always been a people watcher but now I pay attention to the people I watch. I’ve gotten really good at picking out those that play the victim role well and I actually try to steer clear of them. Sometimes it’s hard especially when I was in that same place in my life and I know what it took for me to change my mindset but I constantly remind myself this is my journey I can only worry about me. That is extremely hard to do for an Empath like me who just wants to show the world love and compassion and be there for everyone in need. We the helpers and the healers get drawn to those in distress because we want to help them, most of the time not knowing that we are hurting ourselves if we aren’t careful. I neglected myself for so long I almost wondered if I would ever be better and not such a downer all the time. I really honestly almost lost hope for myself.

I noticed last week, well it’s really been about 116 hours now that my smile returned and has stayed. Why did I stick a number to my smile? I stuck that in there for myself to see because my smile hasn’t stuck around that long in about 8 years, so 116 hours to me feels like that smile of mine may just stick around this time. All my friends and even my husband have told me for a long time that I have a smile that lights up the room and I should show it more. They are absolutely right, I should smile more but I couldn’t for a long time. Fear kept me from enjoying my life so much that I just couldn’t keep it for long. Fear of the unknown, fear of other’s opinions, fear of judgement, fear of change, fear of almost anything you can imagine has kept me locked inside myself for so long I was beginning to wonder if I would ever escape. Hanging around people who vibrate lower than me had kept me trapped and I was trapped for quite a long time. It actually occurred to me last night that I believe I escaped from whatever prison I put myself in. I’ve spent so much time the last year dissecting my thoughts and exploring why I feel the way I feel and why I am always so down that it dawned on me last night that I hadn’t been worrying like I used to, I wasn’t so fearful like I used to be. I can’t even pinpoint an exact moment that this happened, I can’t even say what it was that happened to me to cause me to actually relax.

I do know that it was a combination of all the things I have been doing, all the things I have been writing about, all the late nights I sat alone in my room processing things and something someone said to me. How did I come to discover that it was all the things I have been doing that helped me escape the hell I was in? I knew that it was these things because I am no longer that person that everyone knew a year ago, I take accountability for myself now without fear. I no longer am bothered by those that never seemed to like me, because I now know why they were bothered by my presence, I now know why the world seems so negative. I now know why my happy face and my beautiful attitude and my loving vibration bothers others and you know what? It has nothing to do with me! Not one single thing to do with me! This is a promise to you if you ever think you are the reason for someone else’s grief, you are not, unless of course you physically harmed them or intentionally hurt them. Your presence alone is not the reason that someone may treat you badly, that is a battle that they fight inside themselves coming out at you because something you are doing triggers their own issues that they have with themselves.

If we all stood outside of ourselves and just watched ourselves would we really be pleased with what we witnessed? I know for myself, once I stood outside myself and saw all the things I didn’t want to look at within myself I realized that the power is inside me and only me. One year ago today I woke up alone in my own apartment with just my dog and my cat and had I been asked a year ago if I would make it I would have said no, I don’t think I’ll make it on my own. And I thought that way for quite a few months after that day. Today I woke up and I was different, every day for almost a week now I have woke up and felt just a little bit lighter, the weight of the world has fallen off of my shoulders. My head is higher, my thoughts are different and most importantly the fear no longer controls me, oh I am scared yes but I still let myself be vulnerable and I face my fears instead of lashing out at those who love me.

I have used my own experience and those that I have discussed all this with to come to the conclusion that the world is such a negative place because we are all upset with ourselves in such a way that it comes out as rudeness, invalidation, judgement and anything else that is negative. We feed off of it, we also feed off of love and compassion, we seem to have forgotten about love and compassion somewhere along the way. My friend is always telling me if we want to change the world we must BE the change we want to see. Now think about that for a minute and just let it soak in, because she has been telling me this for years actually and just recently has it really brought some meaning to me. I personally want to change the world to be more loving and compassionate because I believe that is what my purpose in life is, to help others see their true potential and have the courage to also step out and change the world in their own way. To teach others that everything we ever wanted is at our hands if we believe in ourselves enough and do everything with love and compassion. If we can stop worrying about all the bad that “could” happen and focus only on what we want to happen. Be love to receive love, be kind to receive kindness, be compassionate to receive compassion and most importantly the greatest and most important thing I have learned on this journey can be summed up in a few sentences to make it easy for me to remember.

Mean what you say. Do what you say you will do. If not, don’t say it.

Now that you’ve had a chance to think about the statement I mentioned above, If you want to change the world you must BE the change, go ahead and attach those three sentences up there to it. This is what I have been doing every day for the last 3 months, every day working a little harder to improve myself from the day before. I take time every night before bed and reflect on my day and how my actions were and the reactions they caused. Good and bad. I speak a lot less but when I do speak I only speak what I mean with honesty and without judgment. I no longer make promises I know I can’t keep, if I say I am going to do something I use all the power I have to make sure I do it and if I honestly know it’s something I have no intentions of doing I say so. It’s taken a while to keep my rhythm going forward but I know now because of this smile that I have made it over this hump I’ve been stuck on my entire life and the momentum for wanting to keep going has started going so fast there is no way I can ever go back to how I was a year ago.

This journey I’ve been on has by far been the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. I can honestly say that with no questions. THE hardest thing anyone ever has to do is take a good hard look at themselves and acknowledge that maybe they are the reason that the world is such a negative fear driven place, instead of blaming others for their own misery. Gosh I can hear the negative comments already, I’m not the problem, the criminals are, the government is, the doctors are, the teachers are, the man in the suits are, the president is, my parents are, my ex is and so on. I can actually hear them because a year ago I was using those excuses too. Repeat after me, I AM THE PROBLEM. I AM THE PROBLEM. I AM THE PROBLEM.

If we want something to change whether it’s our relationships, our jobs, and even our world, we MUST change our whole attitudes about where the problems really lie. The problems lie within ourselves. Everything is a test and we are failing miserably. Pass this message along and follow it for a month and see if anything changes in your world.  Mean what you say. Do what you say you will do. If not, don’t say it. I remind myself of this daily and I can say without question my world has changed. Be surrounded by others with this same mindset and speak of it often and watch others begin to do it. Watch entire worlds change once total self-awareness takes place. It’s a battle, this I know, but a battle that is absolutely worth fighting!

I am no professional, I can’t tell anyone how to change or who to be but I can share what I did for me. Feel free to like and share my posts if you find my thoughts interesting. Rock on my beautiful ones!