Today when I was on my way home from town I was thinking hard about what I truly want out of life, or more so why in the world are each of us here?
I imagine each of us are here for some reason, we have to be, we can’t honestly exist just to motion through life like robots programmed to do the same mundane things each day and have no passion for anything. Can we?
I was reminiscing about my brother as I sometimes do while driving because it’s usually just me and my favorite radio station ever and I can get lost in my thoughts and how he was passionate about certain things. Things like standing up for ourselves and being accountable for the things we do and also living life freely without hurting others. It didn’t occur to me until that exact moment today that I realized I too am very passionate about those things. I’m also passionate about authenticity and speaking our emotions freely and feeling those emotions no matter how much they hurt or how scary they seem. Something he didn’t do until he couldn’t contain them anymore and then he took his life.
I also at the same time realized that there could be a possibility that our lives could be terribly chaotic if we don’t release some of those things that we do hold back, like being authentic or speaking about while at the same time feeling our emotions.
I say this because I see how it can be true with my own life because although I value authenticity and owning all parts of ourselves I don’t always follow my own values and when I choose not to value myself my life seemingly goes off track and I feel lost and blah, so weird.
I have this horrible habit of getting to the point that my values are at the top of my priority list and I’m doing what I feel like I was meant to do which is help people see how beautiful life is and it’s not as hard as we make it and then I start getting lazy with how I maintain my values in my everyday life. You know, like when you exercise your ass off all week and reward yourself with an entire cake and 4 days of no exercise because you did good for a week and felt great, like it’s some kind of school assignment you’re trying to complete except it’s not, it’s your life.
This made me think of my brother and the discussions he would get into for instances like this. He would definitely not let anyone get away with being a victim for their “terrible” life.
As I’m driving today and reminiscing Incubus’s I Wish You Were Here came on the radio and I smiled as I know after I hear it he’ll be coming along soon and I get all warm and fuzzy. Immediately after the song ends Green Day’s Basket Case comes on and I immediately start chuckling at the song choice for his appearance. It was terribly funny because when that album came out he bought it and of course loved it, we were driving somewhere listening to it and the song comes on and he starts yelling “this song is about masturbation!” (He was yelling over the sound of the 15s he had in the back of the SUV) and he goes on and on about how funny it was that Green Day wrote a song about sitting around jerking off, and then it hit me……..
The song is about sitting in the house all day watching tv and jerking off, or a deeper meaning of being lazy with your life and not living through purpose and passion, being stuck in the comfort zone, not taking care of yourself mentally or physically. Had my brother actually been in the car with me he would have said something like Dude you’re where you’re at because of what you’re doing, if you want to be somewhere else you’ll have to do something different, just kidding, he would have said “wtf fucker whose fault is that?!” And just like that I remembered my values and that I haven’t been being true to them by trying to make myself small and fit into boxes that may not have been made for me. I remembered that in my brothers eyes I was a gift to be treasured and when he left the earth I put that gift away in a box because he seemed to be the only one who saw it. I’ve stepped out of the box a few times over the last few years and every time have been reminded to stay out because he wasn’t the only one who saw it. I had an old boss once years ago tell me during my yearly review that I was “a hidden gem that was overlooked”, greatest compliment I’ve ever gotten.
With all these thoughts running through my head along with the giggles of my brothers humor I am reminded that we each have a purpose here. We each have an opportunity everyday when we wake up to either go about being a robot and drowning out our passionless lives with TV and no purpose or we can turn up the music and let our hearts beat to a drum that serves to be compassionate of ourselves, to others, and to most importantly FEEL it!!! Listen to the lyrics, feel the lyrics because weirdly enough as misplaced as I feel in life I know I am not alone because I know there are others out there who want to live with passion but can’t seem to get out of the box, I know it’s fucking scary out there! But you know what else is out there? Freedom!!! Freedom to feel every emotion inside you, freedom to be you, freedom to love you, freedom to take care of yourself, and freedom to live being true to yourself. Don’t you feel great after a good cry? I mean a good cry, the laying in the fetal position and crying until you can’t cry anymore crying? I wonder if we felt each emotion as they came instead of holding them all in until we’re in the fetal position sobbing how much different our lives would be? Acknowledge, feel, validate, release. Hmmmmmmm. More thoughts to ponder.
If you’re finding yourself questioning your place in life maybe take a look at your values and compare them with how you’re living, maybe you’ve gotten lazy like I have. Maybe you don’t even know what you value and it’s time to sit down with yourself and have that talk. Maybe you’re overloaded with suppressed emotions and need to let them go. Do it. Sooner rather than later. It’s never too soon to grow but it can always be too late.
As always I am not a professional, this is just my story and I share it because I know it will help someone else who might think they are alone. Do the things, like it, share it, comment on it, do all the things. I appreciate all of you.
Rock on beautiful souls! I must go make cookies now because no one can be sad while eating a cookie. 🤘🏻
P.S. as I finish up writing this Tool’s Stinkfist comes on the radio and I laugh. Thank you Brother.