My little WordPress anniversary was the other day, seven years I have had this blog. I used to write more often than I have been lately, mostly because I am a procrastinator but for some reason I have all these high morals and ideas for what it means to be a decent human in a world full of entitlement and now I find myself writing when the world becomes too much for me and I am overwhelmed by egos or when I really have a point I want to make to the others, or just for shits and giggles, after all I am an INFJ and we’re unpredictable AF. (Please stop trying to figure me out.)
I started this adventure to save myself and my relationship and to figure out how to save the rest of the world and I spent a great deal of my own growth trying to tell other people what it means to be a good person and how they too can change the world. I soon discovered that although a lot of people were on board with me when I started, very few of those same people are still with me trying to change the world by changing themselves. When I say still on board with me I really mean they are actually still in my life and I actually speak to them and they are still working to change their own lives.
I no longer find need to question why I am still on this journey because I refuse to quit. I refuse to give up on my quest, I refuse to allow those who live through their ego and entitlement bring me down. I now demand others rise up to meet me on a higher level instead of lowering myself to theirs which is probably why I lost some of my tribe along the way.
I watched those who were with me in the beginning fall back when I started changing and I slowed down sharing with them all that I was doing for myself. In a way I realized this was MY journey and I don’t exactly need to tell everyone what I am doing to change myself so I stopped sharing so much and just started doing the work for me and kept it to myself. Don’t get me wrong I was always doing the work but I was letting everyone know what I had done this week to improve myself or what I had discovered in life and so forth so that they would have something to go off of in their journey too. I did this mostly because they were asking for help and wanted to change the way they thought even though I didn’t actually see them implementing the things I shared with them.
I was doing an extreme amount of research on how to change my thoughts and not have toxic behaviors and implementing it in my life and then sharing what I was doing and they would tell me how awesome it was, blah, blah, blah and so forth. Somewhere I realized I was doing all the work for them by doing the research and the writing and the talking about what I discovered so I stopped sharing in hopes that maybe just maybe they too would start doing their own research and their own work to fix their own toxic behaviors and therefore I would start a chain reaction with others wanting to get rid of their own toxicity and just be happy.
That didn’t happen at all. What happened was a few of them just stopped talking to me because I refused to listen to their problems when they had no solutions to them, basically they just wanted someone to listen to them complain without working on themselves and that is NOT going to be me. Some of them actually got a little mad at me for not sharing with them anymore, not because they were actually wanting to learn but because it left them with nothing to share to their other friends because they now had to do their own work and research to improve their lives. Some even reverted back to their old behavior of pessimism and having a problem to every solution with no awareness of how toxic that is, even after all I’ve shared. It started to get very frustrating and overwhelming.
I had to come to some kind of acceptance with this because my journey to change myself and my thoughts actually turned into something negative when I look back at all I have lost because I wanted to change myself and save my relationship. I say it turned negative because while I was doing research and learning and implementing those who were watching me were not happy with what they were seeing. They saw the quiet girl who always listened to their complaints and whining, gave them pep talks and tried to cheer them up all the time stop doing all those things. They saw the girl who was ALWAYS there for them not be there for them anymore. They saw her be there for herself instead of them and although my life was turning into this beautiful positive and happy life, it was seen in their eyes as negative because I changed, I was no longer doing everyone’s research and doing everyone else’s saving and solving everyone else’s problems and I was especially not at their beck and call when they needed an ear for their misery. I was no longer on their level as I gained confidence and became resourceful for changing.
Changing your life is a negative/positive journey because you will lose those around you that are acting and that hurts and causes you to rethink your journey and when I started to see myself changing and gaining confidence and decided to start actually living my truths instead of just speaking my truths my life changed almost overnight including losing people who I have known for a very long time and while that did hurt me, it also proved to me that not everyone wants the best for me. Misery loves company, don’t ever forget that.
This girl right here, although I still stress and struggle and have my moments of despair, will never be misery’s company again. So to all my friends I have lost, to all the friends who talk shit about me now because I have changed and I am high and mighty in your eyes, to all those who are wondering about my personal business and why I am so secretive about my life and those who want to know what I am doing let me tell you what I have been doing with my life……… I am living it. Maybe you should live yours too. After all if you want to change the world, start with yourself.
The only way your life will improve is if you do the work to improve it. That’s it. It starts with you. No one else, you.
I am not a professional at all, I am just someone who got tired of all the bullshit I caused for myself and decided to work on me and share my journey in hopes of helping others see that we can have anything we want if we put forth the effort. Life is only as hard as we make it. I thought mine was hard only because I was making it hard by refusing to look in the mirror and deal with my demons. Your life will continue to be hard as long as you keep denying your bullshit and refusing to do your personal work.