I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing, I’m not in a slump I have so many thoughts to put down on paper but I don’t want to because all the waking up this journey has done to me has made me lose all that I was before. I suppose that’s not a bad thing, it was actually a really good thing. I write on here about my journey in hopes of helping someone in their journey because sometimes another perspective helps.
I’ve discovered there is a fine line with giving another perspective and just giving an opinion on what someone else should do. I’ve taken a big step back from what I used to do socially to check myself because I had noticed that I was growing and changing so fast and things were happening to me that let me know everything is falling into place just as I wanted and it was a little scary, I’m not going to lie. It was scary because I started seeing things differently, things that I have been around regularly for months, even years, different in a very uncomfortable way. What I’ve noticed is that I started following my own advice and all the things I post on Instagram about thinking for yourself and doing your own work and stuff like that. I noticed with the friend I always hung out with that I was having a hard time hanging out with her, we used to sit around and talk about all the things we wanted to do to improve our lives and do them together, but for some reason all we did was talk. I don’t like talking! I used to talk all the time and that was all I did, I never had any action with my words. I made a pact with myself months ago that if I spoke of wanting to do something for myself or others then I would do it or I wouldn’t talk about it. I used to be so bothered by others who talked big but never had any follow through, and I was bothered so much because I fit right in with them and I disliked myself for it! I was not going to be a hypocrite anymore! If I say I am going to do something then I do it or I don’t say anything about it, I just cannot be what I don’t like in other people.
I’m so mindful of myself it’s almost embarrassing, it’s made me have a very hard time hanging out with anyone, or just being around anyone in general, I’ve got so much psychology knowledge in my head I can’t even get mad at anyone anymore because I see all the things they do to avoid taking action in their own life and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it for them because I can’t fix them. I literally can only look at myself, that is really hard for others to understand. But for me it’s made all the difference in the world. I cannot even stress the importance of paying attention to yourself!!! I can’t teach it, I can’t explain it, I can’t describe how to do it, all I can do is tell my story of how my life started changing the moment I became mindful of myself. That’s it, that’s all I can do and hope that someone connects with it and researches their own way to become more mindful. I don’t think my way is right, I don’t think my way is the only way, all I know is at one point in my life everyone around me telling me how to be and how to act and do this do that and this and that was not for me!
Someone I love a lot and have always respected and admired sat me down once a few years ago when I was in a bad way and told me I was toxic. They couldn’t really explain to me what it was that made me toxic but what was going on between us was not healthy. I wish I could say that was all it took for me to get better but it wasn’t. I fought and fought and fought to disagree and prove that I wasn’t toxic so much so that I drove everyone around me away. All of them, some on purpose, some unintentional. Guess what I had left? Myself and my cat and my dog. That’s it. I went through a couple jobs a few friends and then all I had was me. So what did I do when the only person I had left to lean on was myself? I started studying. What did I study? I studied myself! I absolutely learned and leaned on myself.
I learned my personality is one of the rarest in the world, I’m happiest when in very small groups, (less than two people) Music is very healing to me. I’d rather go to concerts alone or with someone who also likes to go to concerts alone. My cats are the most amazing animals in the world, I want to open a cat sanctuary. I’m more insightful than most people realize to the point it’s a little bit scary so I keep my insights to myself most of the time. I am a very private person and although I do share my life with all of you in my writings and my Instagram, each of you have a different version of me. I want to save the world but I want to do it from the comfort of my bed because I absorb the energies of those I come across during the day. I learned the reason I can’t stay at a job for longer than a few years is because more often that not supervisors and employers lose integrity and are not authentic in their values and values are quite important to me. I learned I have a very hard time being around conflict and negativity because it actually disrupts my energy, my thoughts and it’s very overwhelming emotionally. I’ve also learned that I am perceived as a dick because I refuse to sugarcoat anything and I speak in terms of reality.
I could write for days about all the things I have learned about myself but I won’t bore anyone with all that anymore. My point is when are you going to take the time to learn about yourself? If you do know about yourself when are you going to start listening to yourself and taking care of you? Like I write in almost every post I write, no one is going to save you. No one. It’s your job to do your own work, find your own self and do what you need to do to be the best version of you possible. There are SO many resources out there to help you, I cannot stress this enough. No time? Are you sure? There are 24 hours in a day, I work for 8, commute for 1, I sleep for about 6, that leaves me 9 hours, 9 hours for me to work on me. Take out work, commute and sleep and tell me how many hours a day do you have that are available for you? How many hours a day do you waste doing frivolous things? (this is why I am perceived as a dick, tell me you can’t and I will point out all the ways that you can)
I hope with my story I can help one person change their life. I hope I can reach that one person that is tired of their own bullshit and can use my story as inspiration to change their own life and do all the personal work needed to change their world. It’s hard, I won’t lie but oh my gosh I am sorry that I took so long to open my eyes.
Rock on my pretties! Love yourself so much that you will do anything in your power to be the best version of you that you can, regardless of what anyone tells you.