Resurrecting

Resurrecting

I was skimming through my older posts earlier and noticed this one that I re-posted about Facebook and I think I am ready to write about ditching my Facebook account now and what eliminating it did for my mental health.

If you’d like to read my original post along with my small update from a couple of months ago here is the link for reading the preface to this post. The Facebook Killings talks of my struggles with Facebook and social media in general and how it affected my mental health.

Back to what this post is about though, what has happened to my head since I actually fired myself from Facebook on January 2nd, 2018…….

How did leaving Facebook affect me? Well so far it’s taken me almost a week to write this little update, I opened my draft this morning and deleted all of it except for the beginning. Why did I do that? Well because I have a hard time writing now due to the fact that I have learned what it means to actually think positively and optimistically and think open-minded. Being off Facebook has helped me see patterns of negative thinking in myself that I have always had even though I didn’t realize it at the time and now I can see how so many of us out there are just programmed into negativity and don’t even know!

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I have learned that the less time I spend on social media the more time I have to be happy and enjoy the extremely small group of company I keep. I have had time to take tests and read books just to learn about myself, INFJ personality, whoa, that is a huge deal. (Want to take your own test? click here )

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I have learned that I am quite sociable but I am also an energy sponge when it comes to those around me and I can tell in a matter of minutes if I need to participate or bail on whatever social event I may be attending due to the energy surrounding me. I’ve learned so much about the INFJ personality in the months that I’ve left Facebook that my entire life almost makes sense. Almost! I’m not kidding. All the things that have happened to me, all the misery and all the depression and anxiety I had my entire life now has meaning to me and I can actually let it go and just not worry about it anymore… ha ha ha ha, let it go, right, INFJs don’t really forget things especially feelings and I have never been able to and now I know why.

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I have learned that leaving Facebook I was contacted less from friends . Does this hurt my feelings? Of course it does but only because I was already used to being forgotten, I truly only have a handful of friends who keep in contact with me and have for at least 7 years, the others, they come and go as they need me. I was never the popular girl in school, I was never picked first for groups or games, not picked last but close, even the jobs I’ve had in my life were ones I was the second choice for when the first one hired didn’t work out. It doesn’t really bother me as much as it used to, it’s part of my personality. I know I am a light for those lost in the darkness and some are actually blind to the light, I am seen when I am needed. I don’t need social media to be helpful in the world.

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I spent the majority of my life trying to fit into a world that I wasn’t made for. Facebook helped me see what the rest of the world was doing so I could use it as a tool for how to be and how to act and what things to buy and basically how to live by listening to millions of people shout out how to be and life rules that are only written on the interwebs in comments. Facebook was very good at making me feel left out when people who I thought were friends and even family posted things and included/invited those they wanted and weirdly enough I was left out feeling forgotten once I saw the photos posted. Once I left Facebook I didn’t have to “SEE” the things I wasn’t being invited to, hell I don’t even know they exist anymore until I run into someone and they tell me about the event I missed. Yep feelings still hurt but not even remotely close to what having Facebook did! Now I just say to myself, “don’t forget you left Facebook, no one knows how to contact you anymore” and then I roll my eyes and laugh at the feeling of freedom that I get from not having Facebook.

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Taking the first step to leave Facebook was pretty hard for me to do, I wanted to fit in and somehow I felt I fit in there even though I realize the anguish it caused me only after I left. I have found my relationship that was the cause for this journey has not only completely turned around, it’s better than I could ever imagine along with the relationships of the few people close to me. A big majority of my “friends” stopped speaking to me when I left Facebook and I don’t really know why, I didn’t announce my departure and apparently that was the only way to get a hold of me so they can’t ask. (again eyes rolling and laughing)

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Now that I have not opened my Facebook account in 240 days, yes my account is still there patiently waiting for my return unless it vanishes after a certain period of time I don’t know, I have no desire to open it up again. I have all I need without it, I feel I have even more than I ever did and although it’s taken a while to figure out and remove the things that disrupt my vibration I have a very good understanding of myself and I know that Facebook is not good for this INFJ, in fact social media isn’t really good for this INFJ but I do try to post my thoughts and brief glimpses of my thoughts to try to help those struggling to find themselves.

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This feeling I have for life now is one that I compare to no one else’s, I am able to sit and reflect on all the things that I have done each day at the end of the day instead of worrying that I need to post or check on my friends or even enemies, (eyes rolling). I use my alone time to improve on myself and only myself instead of scrolling. I laugh more, I care more and care less at the same time, I enjoy the present more, I worry less, I appreciate more and I have no regrets.

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It’s been said that small changes daily can add up to huge changes later. I believe this. I made a list of the things I wanted to change and started small and now almost two years later I have made more changes to myself than I ever thought I would or even was capable of and it started with taking accountability of myself and taking that first small step. The rewards? Priceless.

 

 

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Nothing Better Than This

Nothing Better Than This

 

 

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I’ve been absent and I am so sorry! I’m not really sorry but I am really sorry. I’ve spent the last couple months learning about my personality after taking some personality tests. Myers-Briggs Types I am an INFJ and I’ve been obsessed with learning all about them and I have yet to find any kind of description, story, traits, quotes, whatever we want to call them that are not something about me. It’s like I found a book all about me and my struggles and it’s been the best feeling in the world! I’ve learned the INFJ personality is one of the rarest of the personalities and is probably the reason I have felt so very misunderstood my entire life. INFJs are so rare that most have never met one!

All those times someone let me know I was weird……Hell yes I am weird! I am like no one you’ve ever met, probably! And 2 years ago when I also thought I was weird it made me sad, terribly sad, because I was so different, I just couldn’t fit in anywhere and it broke me, it crushed me when people would tell me I am weird. I didn’t want to be weird, I wanted to be liked. I kept hearing the word weird and making the word a negative word. It’s NOT a negative word! I now embrace the word! My favorite word is actually Unique. I’ve had someone call me that for the last decade and yes it hurt my feelers for most of it as well until I discovered I really am unique! It’s such a good thing to me now! I do NOT want to follow the crowds and keep up with the Jones’s, I want to be me and do it proudly and I do just that!!

My reaction now when others point out my uniqueness? Damn right I am different, and I’ll never be forgotten either because of it!

I have a hard time writing because I find myself just complaining about the world while I desperately try to save it. I know I can’t save the world but dammit I am going to keep trying! If I can save myself I can save someone else. And if all I needed to do was mind my own business and realize that the only one I get to leave this world with is me and I better get along with me the best way I can then I am happy to spread that along to the rest of the world.

But then again, I now realize that I am different from others, I have the most misunderstood personality in the world and I’ve been writing in this blog trying to help others find themselves and I have been expecting others to understand the things I write about and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

I will continue my quest to find others like me in hopes that we can unite and help save the world from all this madness and chaos of negative emotions and toxicity, all from our rooms though because INFJs are introverts… HA HA HA HA! I could spend the rest of my life in my room only to go out once in a while for a concert or 6. An introvert who loves concerts, where there are tons of people? Such a contradiction I am. I can explain that thought another time.

My friends, be prepared for me to ask you to take personality tests so that I can understand you better. And if you want to know me better, then pay attention to what I write about!

Rock On!!!!

 

 

 

 

We have the power inside

We have the power inside

I just cannot imagine how my life would be today had I not gone through what I went through! I know, it’s a little bit vague that’s for sure, but I seriously look back on my life and I never in a million years would imagine I am doing what I am doing today. Am I doing something super exciting and extraordinary, you ask? I suppose the answer depends on what you’re definition of super exciting and extraordinary is!

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I also look back at that first paragraph and think that it sounds like a pretty grateful statement since I used to think I had gone through some serious tragedies and misfortunes and lots of bad luck, and I did actually, but I don’t see them that way anymore. I don’t see misfortune and grief and bullshit that I used to think was constantly thrown at me. Most of it is gone and although it still surrounds me and will never go away I have figured out my own way of dealing with it so that it doesn’t affect me like it used to.

Life really isn’t that hard. It really isn’t. I sure made mine hard though, for a long time! I think a lot of us do! I also don’t know if we do it on purpose, I am sure some do, but not everyone does.

I could probably argue this until I am blue in the face and there will still be someone out there who has an excuse as to why their life is so hard and I am sure that some are truly legitimate excuses but for the majority of us out there who are MORE than capable of doing some self work and some learning of new habits and maybe ditching some unneeded expenses or whatever it takes to get to some place different, there really are no excuses except the ones we make up to keep from going where we need to go.

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I know I have written about this before, I am a stickler for accountability and bettering myself in hopes that someone will catch on to what I am doing and run with it in their own way. I am sure someone else out there is figuring out that life isn’t really that hard unless we make it hard and I commend that person for figuring it out! It’s not hard!!

There are wayyyyyyyy too many people out there in the world who convince themselves that life truly is hard when it’s really only as hard as we make it! I think we think it’s hard because society and the media have made the world into conveniences instead of goals and working toward them and such. Instant gratification I think is the word I’m looking for. There aren’t many people out there in the world who want to put forth the physical work to make their lives the way they picture it.

The moment we think to ourselves “I can’t” we are absolutely right! It’s a true story. The moment those words come out our mouths we automatically give up on what it was we wanted, never to be completed because the mind has been closed to any possibilities of it actually working out. 

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Our minds are the most powerful things out there and we need to be more careful of the thoughts we have. The more negative we are the less we will accomplish what we want to accomplish. I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s absolutely true! 

We know we are each capable of doing great things, but a lot of us let fear keep us from accomplishing anything.  That fear man, it is a crippler! We cannot let fear stop us from doing anything. 

Once we let go of the fear and the worry of what everyone else is doing and what everyone else thinks and literally everything that doesn’t apply to our dreams and goals, those dreams and goals will come flooding to you faster than you can even imagine. But first, we must let go of fear. Until then our dreams and goals will continue to stay out of our reach. 

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I know what you’re saying, you don’t believe me. That’s quite okay because I believe it. It worked for me and all it took was for me to take that first extremely scary step. It took me a really long time to take that step and keep taking them, even when I started to give up as things weren’t going my way, I kept taking steps, little steps, big steps, sometimes I stopped and just stood still instead of going backwards. The point is I kept going! 

When it comes to the Universe there isn’t a set time when your dreams and goals will start coming true all I know is the longer I stood back in fear the more I realized they just weren’t coming. I had to take that first step. No one could take it for me even though many tried to help me out, with advice, money, a place to stay and support. But nothing happened for me until I stepped out of fear and took that first step and told myself I can do this. 

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My journey has been a lot of fun. I have learned so much and continue to learn every day. It’s been sad as I have lost a lot of people in my life, some because they refuse to understand the process of my growth and some because they just couldn’t keep up and were almost holding me back. It was hard on me to lose people but I never let them go I just can’t stop and wait. Keep up or stay stuck. I refuse to stay stuck anymore. I have things I want to do and I am going to do them regardless of what anyone else says. 

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