For those following along, first of all I’d like to say thank you, I appreciate those who have brought themselves to my website. I am not an easy person to get to know, I’m not a popular person, in fact through my life I’ve noticed I am avoided more than I am approached. Sadly for me, I notice a lot more than most and it hurts me more than it benefits me and I’m learning how to remedy that so I don’t feel so alone all the time.
I feel like my old life is gone, there’s no way I can go back to any part of it, it’s like this big concrete door has been built to keep me from going anywhere near my old life. With the death of my dad, which has been very trying for my mental health and the ugly treatment from the little bit of family that is handling his affairs, he really showed how much his kids meant to him. It’s been rough handling this without my brother around, and I am grateful he’s been very loud with his spiritual presence and I don’t think I’ve done anything that he wouldn’t approve of. We talked often about our father and why he chose to abandon us and what we’d do if we ever ran into him. His last words to my brother were extremely harsh and they crushed him, I believe they broke him and he did his best to carry on but was unable to due to his name constantly reminding him of who he was.
My therapist has been such a blessing through all this, finding her almost immediately and being able to get right in was truly a gift from heaven. I found another doctor as well who is going to help me beat this imbalance with my body so now I have a therapist and a couple of doctors to get me through this.
Learning to change my mindset to a positive one is probably the most difficult thing I’ve had to do because the critical negative mindset is what appears first and sometimes I spend a good portion of my day going back and forth between positive and negative thoughts.
I’m learning I carry more grief inside me than I ever should have, visits with my therapist are showing trauma were a part of my life from the very beginning of it, which helps me understand why my brother was so protective of me. I am learning how that trauma has affected my life and why I struggle to let it go from an scientific perspective and how important it is to be able to teach our children this.
I am still treating myself for the tumors I have, one of which is shrinking, I currently take 48 mg of Ivermectin and 222 mg of Fenbendazole twice a day and I drink fresh squeezed Apple/carrot juice multiple times a day and add broccoli, kale, chard and spinach to it once or twice a day to give my body the nutrients it’s been starved of for years.
There are days I feel so good I forget I’m sick, but the visible tumors I have are a good reminder to take care of myself and by the time they are gone taking care of myself appropriately will be a habit.
I used to think that life was only as hard as we make it but now that I’m pretty deep into my therapy, sometimes we can’t help but make it a hard life if that is the way we were programmed as children. I’m so thankful to learn it isn’t the way it has to be and we can actually change it. I wish my brother could have stuck around to learn that himself but then would either of us have been able to if he stayed. They say everything happens for a reason and I struggle with that when it comes to his death but he’s always here cheering me on.
Getting sick and looking at the things in my life that caused me to be sick has given me a good reason to reevaluate everything about my life and helps me confidently understand what I need to remove from my life in order to live and that means removing people and things that aren’t good for me. I created a group on Facebook for women to support each other as there are plenty of women like me who are struggling in life. My business is doing pretty well and I’m still adding clients and people are talking about it, I even had someone from another state ask me to help them start their own business like mine. I’m finding I have purpose in this life even if it isn’t the purpose I originally wanted.
I hope you all have a great day and if my story is interesting to you please say so and share it with others.
My Life, My Story 
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