Last week I received a notification from my blog about getting a lot of traffic, I have never gotten one before so I decided to look and see which post was going bonkers. Once I opened up the site I saw that it wasn’t a specific post it was my entire site. Someone had read every single post I had written and I thought immediately it was my dad. I knew it was him and he was feeling bad about his life and wanted to connect with me the only way he knew how, from a distance.
I wish he would have reached out instead and told me himself because I knew he loved me but I also knew his demons kept him from doing a lot of things. I wish he could have seen certain people for who they were and fought for his children.
I found out yesterday he passed away 3 days after my page blew up, it took the funeral home 4 days to find me thanks to my uncle knowing my first name and the funeral directors detective skills.
He was an amazing father when he was with us, the sad thing about it was he wasn’t with us much. Most of my memories from childhood are of him and riding in the truck with him. I giggle often when I reflect on my life and how I am so similar to a man I didn’t get to spend enough time with.
How am I supposed to grieve for a man I’d longed to have in my life for 50 years and will never have that relationship with? I can now grieve for the little boy who wanted to be just like his dad, who was unable to see his own little boy chasing the same dream.
I saw him at the funeral home, he looked so peaceful, not like I’d remembered him, he was always so angry. I imagine my brother was with him when he went and that explains the peace in his face. I’m glad they are in a place where they can finally talk to each other and not have any distractions even though I’ll have to wait for that opportunity.
He was one of the reasons I kept my blog going even if I didn’t write much anymore. I always knew when he read it even if it didn’t tell me, and now I don’t know if I want to keep writing at all.
I’m a little lost right now and am not sure what I am supposed to do about all this.
My Life, My Story 
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