Hello

I’m new to this blogging thing. I have things I want to talk about and I will eventually. Let me tell you a little about myself. I’m a mother of three wonderful young men and I still have my parents. I had a pretty good childhood. I have an older brother who was my best friend and my hero. I lost him to suicide September 28, 2009. It’s been a rough few years since he’s been gone. He was my first bout with suicide. I didn’t know anyone who had died by suicide before him. It was quite an ordeal to go through for me. I read and read and read everything I could on suicide and why people die by it. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after he died. I’m positive he was bipolar too. I joined suicide prevention groups and thought I knew enough about it to know that it was preventable. You see my brother drank a lot. More than I ever imagined. He was a wreck inside of emotions. He was going through a divorce. He seemed to be fighting some kind of inner battle with himself. He had a lot of demons. He had them his entire life. He had to silence them somehow so he ended his life. Little did he know that he would be ending my life as well. While he is no longer in pain, I have carried it with me since he’s been gone. I try not to. I’ve been suicidal myself and checked myself into the hospital last year only to find out that the hospital had no means to help me. They saw a paycheck in me. I didn’t give them that much because I saw immediately they were not out to help me. I didn’t want to be seen as crazy! I wasn’t. I’m not! One month ago on January 8,2016. My step father took his own life. He was going blind and his quality of life was gone. He didn’t tell anyone of his struggles. I miss him but I can say that I do understand. His suicide has completely changed my view of it. Everyone is so big on prevention but who am I to tell someone they don’t need to die? They say suicide is selfish but I don’t believe that. I believe it’s an act that takes tremendous strength and power. I think it’s selfish to ask someone to stay alive just because you don’t think you can live without them. My step father did not want to burden anyone. He was a very active man who used his sight for his living. Without his sight he was left to sit in the house while my mom took care of him. That wasn’t the kind of man he was. He took his options and did what he thought was best. Who am I to say that was wrong of him? I miss him but I understand. For the past month since his passing I’ve done nothing but reevaluate my belief of suicide and whether or not this prevention needs to be rethought. I will write more about that later but for now I just wanted to introduce myself and speak my own thoughts where I won’t be judged or mocked.

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