Protected: Is Love just a Fantasy?

Protected: Is Love just a Fantasy?

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Advertisements
Kindness for the Damaged

Kindness for the Damaged

I used to watch my best friend treat everyone with kindness and it used to irritate me to no end because the people I would watch him be kind to would always take advantage of him but he would continue with his kindness, he was nice to a girl he’d known for years once and she latched on to him like a lost puppy for months until I pointed out to him that she acted like I did when I was damaged and mistaking kindness for flirting. It took me a while to figure out why it would irritate me so and I think it wasn’t until I too started to be kinder to everyone I met that I finally realized why it would irritate me. I’ve always been kind but I have a lot of lines that I will not let be crossed so when I am kind to someone it’s with my wall up to protect myself, I would get irritated that my best friend wouldn’t put a wall up and I could blatantly see people taking advantage of his kindness, it was hard to watch when he didn’t see the latching that these people would do to him, he only saw himself being kind. He would be kind in ways that weren’t healthy for anyone in the party but he was just trying to be nice, instead of telling these people no, he would say maybe and then either not show up or cancel at the last-minute or something because he hates to hurt anyone’s feelings.

img_7735-1

It took me having what I call a small stalker to realize that damaged people, including myself, latch on to people who are kind and almost automatically assuming that the kindness they were receiving was being perceived as flirting or showing some kind of interest in them. Even though it absolutely was not flirting or any kind of interest at all, and I even told them that when they pointed out that my kindness meant I was interested in them. I think the words I used were, “no, maybe I am just a kind person who likes to help others, it doesn’t in any way mean I am interested in dating”.

I had come to this conclusion after reflecting on my own life and how I reacted to other’s kindness towards me and if it were someone of the opposite sex showing me kindness I would almost always perceive that as flirting even though most of the time it wasn’t flirting at all, well for the most part anyway, there are some really sick and twisted men out there. My realization with my example was the fact that because I helped out a stranger they assumed that I was “interested” in them and because they actually said that to me it occurred to me that damaged people perceive kindness as something that makes them feel wanted and it is confused for flirting more than it is not. I can say this about my own encounter as I know this person is damaged and has all kinds of issues that they proceeded to tell me about because I am a magnet for damaged people, and once a damaged person has received some kindness from an Empath the savior mentality comes into play. This person can save me!!

I look back on my life and my previous relationships and how abusive they were and just how damaged I was and how I latched on to anyone that would show me some kind of attention or kindness, it made me feel special and wanted because I didn’t know what that felt like at home. I wasn’t getting it even though I was begging for it, it just wasn’t happening and I always took that as a sign of my worth, so when anyone gave me some kind of attention it would turn into something more for me. I can remember this as far back as I can in my life. Boy do I see how unhealthy that is now! But it took me having to be on the other end of the spectrum and lots and lots of reading and self-awareness to realize it! I never would have realized it had I not went on this journey and learned how to be more self-aware and to focus on myself only.

I’ve also realized that those of us who are highly Empathic can’t help but be kind to others which is why we seem to be a target for being taken advantage of. We seem to be some kind of magnet for the damaged and it’s very hard to distinguish between the damaged and the honest and true. Especially in this day and age where being damaged seems to be the norm. I spend a good portion of my time out in public quietly watching people, watching what they say and watching what they do, how they act, what their vibes are like and all that stuff. I am so highly sensitive to all that it’s almost painful for me to be out in public.

My friend that I hang out with the most is on a similar journey but she and I are almost opposites, she is very bold and outgoing and meets no strangers, where I am private, I keep to myself and I have very thick high walls around me, I like my one or two friends and that is it. We hope that we can both teach each other something, me to learn to let my guard down a bit and her to learn to put up her guard once in a while. It doesn’t work when we are together out in public. I have tried several times to let my walls down and invite people into my life but because I am such a magnet for damaged people I can’t seem to escape the fact that the moment I let my wall down even for a brief minute the vultures are right there trying to feed off me.

img_7749

I don’t know what it is about damaged people that makes them think a small act of kindness is some kind of flirtation towards them. I cannot figure out how this misconception came about. The only thing I can really think of is maybe those children out there who were raised in abusive homes, whether physically abusive, mentally abusive or just even the lack of love from a parent caused damage to that child’s mentality where they started to believe they weren’t worthy of love, never knew what being loved was as it wasn’t taught to them, and just didn’t believe in themselves enough to figure out that they were damaged as that is all they knew in their lives.

img_7707

That is what it took for me, it took just walking away from everything and everyone, spending a ton of time alone, a ton of time reading about codependency and toxic relationships, and in general just toxic people and how to heal from toxic encounters. This was extremely hard for me as I didn’t even know what being toxic meant and it was hard for me to recognize since it was all I knew and it’s still hard for me to recognize toxic people and situations. It has gotten easier though, I will admit. I do notice depending on who I spend my time with the difference between healthy and toxic. I have noticed this more by just paying attention to the world around me but not including myself in what I am paying attention to.

I spend a good majority of my time observing others and nothing more, just observing. Observing the things they talk about, the body language they use, the tone of voice they use and whether what they say is positive or negative. I have learned through doing this that I am much happier by myself than with others. I have learned that it is very hard to be positive when it seems most of us judge and complain about everyone else, even ourselves. I don’t understand why it seems to be so hard for us to just take a good hard look at ourselves and fix what it is that we don’t like about ourselves. Well, I do understand because it took me a good 20 years to even acknowledge that I had issues that needed fixed. It’s so much easier to deny those issues and blame someone else for them than to actually take a good look at ourselves. We seem to be in a world where taking accountability for ourselves is something we just don’t do!

img_7494

I can’t even sit here and speak examples of my own little circle because I will be criticizing my own people instead of being more self aware of my own toxic behaviors that I need to work on. I do know that I get extremely overwhelmed when I am around more than 3 people at a time. Three, meaning me and two others, no more or I am a wreck, too many vibes going on to differentiate between and I just can’t do it. I did go somewhere with my friend this weekend, my friend and my dad and we were talking at dinner and she said something that I wish I could remember what it was, I hate it when I do that. Ugh! I don’t even remember what she said but I called her out on it and her response was “wow you are very hyper-aware”. I could probably ask her but I don’t want to relive it. I am hyper-aware, I notice EVERYTHING, I notice more than most people realize and I think that has been my issue my entire life. I notice when someone says a small lie, I notice when someone’s body language doesn’t match their words, I pay attention to the little things that people say about themselves because that is how you learn about others. I listen to the things they don’t think anyone listens to because it is those little things said that are the most beneficial when figuring out just how toxic a person is, or how empathic they are.

I don’t think the world needs less kindness, I think it could use a shit ton more but where do we draw the line? How much kindness can we give out to damaged individuals without hurting ourselves by doing it? I know in my instance, this individual just moved on to find another savior instead of looking inside themselves for the savior. I know in my best friends case at the beginning of the blog, they went on to find another individual, after he had to cut them off and tell them to not contact him again.

Where do we stop with the kindness and all the damaged drawing our energies from us? I can go out there and be kind to everyone I meet but for fear of someone latching on to me like I have done to others, I go out without making eye contact with anyone just to protect my own energy. I can’t save the world all by myself! I can’t go out there and spread love and kindness or I will have a shit ton of stalkers! Somehow we must get all of us to take responsibility for the way we were raised, the way we continue to live and all the things we do and say that makes us into a victim. We have to get to a point where we say no to those who refuse to help themselves, we must say no to those that just complain and point out their own limitations, we must stop enabling all these that seem to love to have someone save them!

I can tell you from my own journey and my own victim mentality that I too thought I had a savior out there, and I did, but it took me a whole year of being alone with myself to find my savior. My savior was ME!! I saved myself, and I continue to save myself every morning when I wake up, when I go to work, when I go home and when I go out. I do it all by myself, I rely on no one for help but me. When my little followers come around looking for help, they get the lecture that I am not their savior they must save themselves and then they disappear because that is just wayyyyyyy tooooooo much work!

I am not a victim, and I am no longer someone who is damaged. I no longer look outside myself for help in my saving. I try to write about my own experiences and only my own, and if I haven’t lived it yet or have some kind of solution to my problem then I don’t write about it. Maybe I am weird, I don’t really know. I do know I am different than most and a lot of people just don’t get my thought processes and that is actually okay with me. I would rather be different than follow along with all the damaged people out causing more damage to others.

img_7582

I am just a girl on a journey to find herself and make the most of this life I was given. I hope I can help just one person change their life and the way they look at things. If you like what I post please like, comment and even share it with everyone. If you would like me to read your thoughts stick your page in the comments!

Rock on my beauties!!

Ghosts Inside

Ghosts Inside

 

I was having a conversation with someone the other night about that meme that goes around that asks if you could choose one person to sit down with for an hour, alive or dead who would you choose? I told my friend that I would choose Tom Petty, I would really like to sit with him and pick his brain. The look on his face was almost a look of shock and he immediately asked why I would choose Tom Petty over my own brother. It’s simple I said, I can wait to see my brother again as I already know I will and what he will say to me and what I will say to him. I never got a chance to meet Tom Petty and he was a very brilliant man and I would love to meet him and just ask him a few questions. (This all came up as I was telling him about the Tom Petty Running Down a Dream movie I recently watched, I was telling him he should watch it and be amazed by the power of the mind)

He asked me how I know I will see my brother again, all I could really say was I see my brother all the time, he’s always around me and I have no doubt we will meet again but I am not ready to sit down with him right now, in fact he was in my house a week ago, he showed up at work with me, followed me home, played some jokes on me and I told him he wasn’t funny and to stop. Sounds crazy huh? Let me tell you all about it!

I was sitting at my desk in my office chair and suddenly my back got cold and then my arms got cold, but not my whole arms, just the part of my arms where someone would be touching me while giving me a bear hug from behind, only my back and only a section of my arms. It was not just cool, it was straight up cold and it stayed that way long enough for me to wonder why just parts of me were very cold. My brother always hugged me that way, he always hugged me. After a few minutes of this it stopped and I was left feeling a little enlightened, not scared, not worried, not really anything but okay. I immediately thought maybe it was him hugging me and left it at that.

Later when I got home I was laying on my bed with all the animals in my room, which was weird too as my dog is getting up there in age and doesn’t come up to my room often as it’s pretty hard for her to get up the stairs, but she was up there too. All the animals were on my side of the room with me and my dresser is across the room quite far away. I was Snap chatting my friend and telling her about the ghost hug I got at work and how it felt really weird but it also was comforting. As we were Snap chatting a piece of paper fell off my mirror across the room. Also not a big deal either right? There wasn’t anything over there to cause it to fall as all the animals were with me on my bed, I told her about it and I giggled and said my brother is here and I don’t know what he wants.

Hard to believe, I know! It gets better though! I always listen to the radio when I am home, I have no TV so my radio is always on. While I am telling my friend about the odd things going on in my room, the hug, the paper and speaking of my brother and such, I hear the radio cut in and out. Not silence like it’s gone off the air, this was white noise and it was interrupting the airwaves during the song. It would come and go, there was no silence at all, it was music and then white noise then music then white noise. I actually got it recorded it was happening so much during the song. While I recorded it on Snap chat to show her I was just lit up! I was so lit up I forgot to save my video! I think I forgot to save it because I noticed that it was Pantera playing, Cemetery Gates was the song. Pantera was one of my brother’s favorite bands of all time. So yeah I was a little excited to have that happen and know that if he has ever let me know he was there it was definitely that night. I don’t care what anyone says about it. I believe with everything I have that he was there and letting me know he was there and letting me know everything is going to be okay with me and that he too is okay. It was almost a relief actually.

He has come a few other times before but never quite like this time. He always shows up when I go visit his Cross. We have a cross where he died to memorialize him, it’s a place for people to go and talk to him. He doesn’t have a grave and we didn’t get any of his ashes,his cross is really the only place people have to go to spend time with him. Any time I pull up to the cross no matter what radio station I am listening to FM or satellite, either Tool, AC/DC or Metallica comes on. Always. I do have video proof of that and plenty of witnesses I’ve taken there. My son and I were there once and not only was one of those bands playing but a bird was on his cross chirping as loud as he possibly could, just a few feet from us.

My son and I also were coming home from Salt Lake City last summer, stopped at a gas station in Hansen, Idaho and my son was driving and I was sitting in the passenger seat waiting for my nephew to come out of the store so I had my door open and I saw a little parking lot bird nearby, those little birds that wait for you to throw them food, Starlings maybe. As I sat and watched this bird who was about 6 feet from me, I just had this overwhelming feeling that something weird was about to happen and as soon as I thought it this bird flies right at me! All I could do was cower towards my son but I’m laughing my ass off. Laughing so hard my son is just sitting there, and he asks what the hell I’m doing. I told him that there’s a bird in the car and I sat back up and the bird was on my lap! It was just sitting there looking at us. He tried to grab it so we could get it out of my car and it jumped in the back of my car. We spent 20 minutes looking all over my car for this bird and could not find it anywhere, my nephew even came out of the store and asked what in the world we were doing and he joined in the search. Mind you the only openings to the outside were my door and my small back window that was also down, and we did not see it go out of the car. My nephew finally makes a joke about if it didn’t fly out already we will either find it driving back home on the freeway or I will smell it later in a week and off we went home. It was another 3 hours to home once we left Hansen. No bird surprised us while driving home, so we all assumed it had left and we just didn’t see it.

The next day while I was at work my car alarm went off. I couldn’t get it to shut off, it was crazy! Couldn’t figure out why it went off, I’m assuming I bought a piece of shit car with electrical problems. Finally got it off and continued my day. It’s the beginning of July, my birthday was the next day, it’s 100 degrees out and I’m on my way home from work and I hear a chirping in my car. No shit, I heard a bird chirp in my car. My son was my next door neighbor at the time so I called him and said I am almost home and I shit you not that bird is still in my car! I went home, he came outside and got on the drivers side and I am on the passenger side using my phone as a flashlight. He can’t see anything so he stands up and says just that. Here I am on the ground with my face on the floor looking under my seat with my flashlight phone and I say to him “I found a CD under here” and as I start to pull out the CD that damn bird flies out right over my shoulder and all I can do is sit and laugh while my son is just blown away that this bird who in no way should have survived inside a locked car for 24 hours in 100 degree heat with no food or water. We laughed and laughed and both knew who it was.

He always comes around when I need him the most, the bird in the car was a very hard time for me and I was really struggling with my life and what I wanted to do and I knew that he was showing me if that bird could survive that time in my car then I can survive as well, and I have, and I will for the rest of my physical life as I don’t necessarily think our lives end with death. My brother has shown me many times there is a lot more out there than our physical lives, he has shown me we are all energy that is transferred from being to being after our physical life has ended.

This is why I wouldn’t choose my brother to spend an hour with, as hard as that is to hear. We would just talk about suicide anyway and I can wait for that conversation  when I do see him again. It was hard for my friend to hear as I know he would choose his dad to see and I know why he would. What he doesn’t realize is we can’t get approval or any kind of acceptance from our deceased relatives. That doesn’t matter anymore, and never really did, but it took me a long time to realize that. Our approval and acceptance must come from within. As hard as it is to go through life just wanting our parents to tell us they are proud of us or they love us because that is what parents should do, we can’t stop our lives once they are gone because we never got it. We can’t be afraid to be the people we were born to be because our mom or our dad never told us we were good people. Not everyone is like us as individuals. Some people go through their whole lives never knowing what it means to love someone unconditionally, or just to let their children be themselves. It is not our fault our parents passed away before telling us they loved us. If they hadn’t said it before they would have never said it, is the way I look at it. We as adults should not have to jump through hoops trying to be accepted by people who don’t understand the concept of what it means to be an accepting adult.

I really wish there was a book that we could read to our children over and over that reminded us that children are themselves not what we want them to be and no dream is ever too big for them to achieve as long as they work hard at it. Children should be loved as unconditionally as our spouses but most are not and that is truly a sad thing to see in this world. There are more damaged adults out there than there are genuine adults and all of that could have been avoided by just being loving and accepting to all that our children are. My brother loved me as unconditionally as anyone I have ever met. He never shamed me, discouraged me or degraded me. He was always my hero as he was the one person who never asked me to change who I was, because I was HIS sister.

I hope you enjoyed my story! Please feel free to share my blog with everyone you feel would enjoy or relate to it. We are not alone. There are others like us out there hoping someone else can understand what we feel. Let’s find them and help them see their full potential and heal all of those broken hearts out there. I look forward to next time!

Rock on my beauties!