Can you do it?

Can you do it?

If I’ve learned anything in this life of mine it’s this…. there isn’t ONE person other than yourself who can save you, take care of you, make you happy, tell you what to do and so on and so forth, I hope you get it, Not one person other than yourself.

I’ve worked extremely hard getting to where I’m at mentally and I’ve done most of it alone locked away with my books and my blog. (And quality porch time and a lot of Tool) It has taken me coming to grips with reality and knowing who would be there to support my isolation and growth and what I call my transformation and who would close their eyes to it and take offense to my isolation. I think the key to change of any kind is to take accountability in your own actions and feelings in every thing you encounter. Be it the good things that happen around you or all that drama you are engulfed in. If each one of us can step outside ourselves and look at our own individual actions and how judgmental we truly are and worked solely on changing just ourselves I cannot even imagine how the world would change. The scariest thing I think I’ve ever done is take accountability for my own responses instead of pointing my fingers at someone else, it’s not someone else’s fault your feelings are hurt or whatever it may be, it’s your perception of what the circumstances are that hurts your feelings. Think about why you perceive the way you do and work to understand someone else’s perspective and respect theirs. We are each our own people.

I believe with everything I have that people can change if 1. They truly want to 2. They absolutely take accountability for the things they are trying to change 3. Never give up.

Accountability is hard because it requires you to look at yourself on the inside but it teaches you empathy and compassion for others. I’m such a misunderstood soul because I feel and understand things on a much much deeper level than others and I come off weird and crazy to most. People are easy to dismiss or brush aside if they are misunderstood. It’s actually extremely hard for any individual to admit they don’t understand or want to even try. It’s hard to show colors to someone who only sees black and white.

Someone opened a door for me once a couple years ago and then walked away and let me decide if I wanted to go through it or not. I was curious absolutely but too scared to walk through because I had to walk alone so I stood In the doorway and looked. I don’t exactly know when I walked through it, possibly last night, but wow. Everything happens for a reason. Everything. You can take my post how ever you want. You can assume it’s about anything or anyone you want to assume it’s about. But take accountability for it. Are you ready for someone to open your door to see where it leads?

Feel free to like and share my posts if you find my thoughts interesting. Rock on my beautiful ones!

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The beauty of color

The beauty of color

Trying to see gray when all you’ve seen is black and white can be the most difficult journey to ever go on. Trying to shine your light when so many others want it dark is exhausting. The most difficult thing I think I’ve ever done was open my eyes to the possibility of there being something bigger out there. A simple solution to millions of problems. Everyone has a light inside them that the world needs to see but that light doesn’t seem to shine until the exact moment that those eyes are open, like a switch. Not only is there black, white and gray but there are hundreds of other colors out there as well, somewhere I had turned off my light and didn’t see them anymore. They are actually quite beautiful.

Image result for color of life photography

I believe that everyone is born with this light but somewhere if they don’t get the correct fuel source that light dims. I don’t believe the light ever truly goes out but it can grow very dim to where it appears it is out, that is where I feel suicide takes place.

 

For those of us whose light has dimmed we or at least I started only seeing things one way. Society, mainstream media, our family, our friends, relatives, teachers, doctors, my relationships, and pretty much everyone around me have told me repeatedly how to be, what to say, how to dress, how to feel, what’s right and what’s wrong without letting me figure that out on my own. This starts in childhood. Parents, Grandparents, Teachers, Authority Figures, Bosses and most everyone we encounter throughout our life. I think this causes a disturbance inside of us. We end up with this inner battle with ourselves between Empathy and Narcissism and eventually one over powers the other but it never eliminates it, hence the inner battle. This battle continues throughout life and appears in us in forms like crime, drug abuse, alcoholism, truancy, manipulation, reckless behavior, unprotected sex, fighting, emotional and physical abuse and so on. Something eventually happens when that light gets dimmed where we start fighting to find the light but fight to also stay in the dark, eventually something else will happen that causes us to choose the light or the dark and the dark eventually ends with death. I know in my instance I saw the light so many times but just couldn’t keep it shining until one day it almost went out. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment the light got brighter but I know the circumstances that surrounded it and I know what I felt at that moment and I know what I felt as I felt the warmth of the light and how badly I wanted more of it. It did not happen over night and I don’t think it can. I don’t think it can happen just because, I think something has to happen in such a way that your light almost goes out and it somehow, when you open your eyes and your mind, it flips a switch and the light suddenly starts getting brighter, and brighter until finally its shining so bright that others can see it and are drawn to its warmth and for some reason, maybe something happens to them and their light also starts getting brighter.

Trying to remove a lifetime of programming to find your true potential can be an extremely painful journey that not everyone is prepared to take or even to acknowledge that it should happen. But the end result is the most beautiful feeling in the world and one I wish everyone could experience.

Just like a caterpillar she fought through the dark only to become something breathtaking dancing freely among the wildflowers.

Feel free to like and share my posts if you find my thoughts interesting. Rock on my beautiful ones!

Who am I?

Who am I?

I just read an article about damaged women. I was going to write about who I feel I’ve become recently. I actually think it’s how I always was but I hide myself because the world is so judgmental.

I am a survivor. I’ve been through some shit in my life. Not as bad as some, but bad for me. Abuse, neglect, bullied, manipulated, used, forgotten, more abuse, the suicide of my only sibling, more abuse, suicide attempts, the suicide of my step-father and now this separation with my husband.

I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out why me? Why was I chosen to have all this happen? Well from what I can tell I survived up until my brother died and then I almost gave up but I made a promise to him so I survived some more. I learned who I was and how I could help myself be this person I felt I was supposed to be. I have a heart that feels almost everything that goes on around me, positive, negative and everything in between.

I’ve had more people I am not really close to come to me and tell me about my soul and how it draws others to me with this light that I shine. I have a friend that always reminds me of my light and how I continuously shine no matter what I’ve been through. I don’t know if I ever really believed her but part of me wanted to because I would see the things she would point out actually happen. The past couple weeks people I only knew from a distance have started coming around and commenting on the same light my friend has always reminded me of so how can I not believe her?

I have always thought I was intuitive but I never explored it because I was shut down a few times when I brought it up so I forgot about it. Now that I have removed myself from basically everyone around me I have noticed it coming back. Feelings I always had I am now able to explore and dissect, feelings I had about others, I am now realizing was my body’s way of telling me to be careful.

I’ve always believed that everyone is good, everyone has the same kind of heart in my book, it the choices we make with that heart that make us good or bad. That’s what I thought any way. I still believe it for the most part. I do believe we can change and we can choose to be good. I try to be good all the time. I try to be respectful of others, I try hard to put myself in the shoes that surround me and feel what they feel. Sometimes it’s very hard and sometimes it crushes me with guilt and sadness.

I do not know anyone that isn’t judgmental in some way, and I suppose that is okay. I am too on certain things but not all things. I know that I believe the way I feel and I know that I am allowed to those feelings regardless of what others tell me. They are mine to feel and do with what I want. What I now think I need to work on is telling myself that it is okay to remove myself from someone’s presence if I don’t like the way they make me feel. I follow this page written by a narcissist and he is writing to let everyone know the game they play and I can read his work and find someone I know in my life, not necessarily currently in my life but somewhere in my life I can find someone from every post he makes and that scares me.

I’m scared to go out in public now, I am scared to tell anyone anything about me for fear they will use it to their advantage to use me. I am scared to get close to anyone, friend or otherwise. I am the type of person that loves to give others attention, I love to take care of people and I love to feel needed/wanted. I do not love to feel used. I do not love reaching out to others just to be shut down because they don’t have “time” for me. I do not love being told what to do and who to talk to and how to live my life. Those things are for me to decide. I understand everyone just cares and wants to look out for me, but there comes a time when we must let someone take care of themselves for once in their lives and worry about our own actions.

I started this post a couple of weeks ago and got stuck writing it and when I got stuck I said to myself, I’m kind of in a good place right now and I seem to only write when I am not in a good place. Guess why I am finishing my post today? I am not in a good place.

With the Vegas shooting, Tom Petty dying and my people slowly growing distant from my life I realize that I am here in this world alone. People say they care and I am sure they do. I don’t doubt that one bit. I think what bothers me the most is that I know very few  who really do what they say they will do. So many of us in this world talk a big game but when it comes down to action we have nothing. I know I used to talk a huge game and I know that I have disappointed many people in my life, disappointed them because they didn’t get from me what they wanted regardless of what it did to me and my well-being. I see why it’s easier to just talk instead of taking action, it shuts people up for a while, but when I encounter it and I sit back and say to myself when are they going to do what they said and I realized how that statement makes me feel I decided to take a different direction with myself and only say things that I actually would do. Maybe that is why everyone has disappeared I really don’t know.

I wanted to make my goal of writing something once or twice a week and this week I will probably write a lot more due to starting to spiral down my rabbit hole, I can’t really say. I know I am feeling sorry for myself today and wondering why it appears I am unloved. I know this is untrue, I am very loved by quite a few out there, but today is one of those days that I wished I had someone to hold me while I cried for the sadness I feel today.

Feel free to like and share my posts if you find my thoughts interesting. Rock on my beautiful ones!