I’m very tired this evening and my brain is all over the place with my thoughts and I had some great thoughts on the drive home I wanted to write about.
I’ve been on this “journey” as I like to call it for a while and I’ve learned so much. I’ve learned through some horrible heartache and some crazy decisions that if I don’t do something drastic I was going to die. No I’m not an addict, not to “drugs” anyway. I’m an addict to my thoughts and the inner workings of my head. I’ve came to the conclusion that I never knew who I was. Ever. I was everything everyone told me I was. I don’t know if I even had my own beliefs. Slowly I’ve found some of myself but I couldn’t really figure out “why” I was here. I knew if I didn’t start eating I would die. A person can’t lose too much weight before bad things start happening and I’m down 50 pounds when I didn’t really have 50 to lose. I’m referring to “drugs” because another thing I’ve learned is that society seems to have a hard time believing in the power of the mind. I lost my weight with only the power inside my head. And not in such a great way. I was to the point where a bowl of cereal at night was enough for the day. Then my hair started falling out, so I made a phone call to a therapist. And now my “journey” is focused 100% on eating. Everyday, every few hours. And it’s actually hard to do. Anxiety has me so messed up I trained my insides to be quiet. Now I’m trying to wake them up with a whole new set of thoughts.
My life now consists of feeling the things going on in my head. Wondering why I feel that way. And if I like the feeling or not. I’ve also started sharing my story to strangers. Complete strangers. Not the whole story. Eek. That would scare some people. But similar parts to what I think their story is. I pay more attention to the things people don’t say versus what they actually say. A person can say so much in just a few words. I’ve started listening. And when I do I feel compassion, I feel empathy and I feel a lot of love. Usually when I share a little it’s with someone that seems to be close to where I’m at in my “journey”. I’ve learned a lot from people who share their story with me. I’ve learned that the more I share and have compassion the more love I feel inside.
I’ve always wanted to anonymously give love to strangers. I think I’ve always wanted to make people feel good. I like to see people smile. I’ve sort of tried to do it in person but it always gets weird. I seem to be so empathetic that I absorb the surroundings so when I’m around too much negativity I absorb it so I’ve learned to love from a distance. That way they will stay in my life. I’ve learned how much time I need for myself before I get overwhelmed. This is why the anonymous idea came about because I want to share love and light in this world as I believe that is a huge reason why the suicide rates are so high and drug abuse is such an epidemic.
I think I’ve discovered that maybe my journey is to bring love back into our hearts. I know that if I can think myself into such a negative anxiety driven state of anorexia that I can flip it into love and light for everyone to see. It’s very hard but I’m very determined and at this point in my life I have no choice if I want to survive.
Every day wake up and smile at the sunshine. Smile at a random stranger. Walk into work and yell good morning in the happiest voice you can muster. And if someone tries to shush you at any point in your journey make it clear to them that this is your journey and you are writing the story from now on.
Rock on you beautiful disaster. Peace, love and light to you